Whew! I have been going through it lately! I have experienced this before and I know that this is the tilling of my life that preceeds a huge season of growth. Whenever the soil of my inner life is worked, turned over, over and over again, it is a very painful process. Things are cut off and pulled out, displaced and disguarded. My nights are sleepless as my body vibrates with anxiety and vigilance. Typically I view this vigilance as a by product of my childhood trauma, now I’m trying to see it as the vigilance of my spirit awaiting the new growth about to arrive.
Beltane is coming soon and I can hear and feel its song in the distance. It will bring with it flowers and sunshine, dancing and a bursting forth of new possibilities. This soil that has been painfully turned over will create space for my new self to push through. So for now, I’m trying to embrace this season of pain and struggle. I trust the universe that the wheel is always turning and soon the rewards of hard work and endurance will come to me.
Spring is a messy season and I’m feeling kind of messy right now. It has been rainy this week but every so often the sun peeks out to remind me that it will not always be gray.
With Ostara arriving soon I have been thinking about my inner child. I celebrate the young maiden Goddess for this turn of the wheel. When I imagine myself at that age it often brings sadness because my childhood was very traumatic. Luckily I have fairly good memories of Easter and so I can use them to fuel my Ostara work. My mother would buy me an Easter basket every year and I was always so excited to dig through the fake grass hoping to find the perfect piece of candy. When I grew a little older my mother would buy me a lily to wear to church. I felt like a big girl and I would spend most of the service smelling my flower. Sometimes my basket would have bubbles or a jump rope, or maybe a new Barbie doll. No matter what was inside it was magical! Every Easter would bring a new dress no matter how little money we had. I don’t know how my mother did this, again like magic she made miracles happen.
During this week leading up to Ostara I intend to indulge my inner little girl. I’m going to try to capture her sparkle and way of looking at the world. I’m going to try to call some of her sweetness back to me. She is who I was before I became so guarded. She is wild and affectionate, she is the part of me who loves freely without worry. She is dandelion chains and frilly socks, she is about to bloom and unaware of what is coming.
How will you celebrate Ostara? I’m going to put up some of my decor today and this weekend I will cook some delicious food. I will probably play with my puppy outside just like I did when I was a girl. Some things never change and I can hear the echos of her, my child self calling me to come outside and play.
This week I experienced another rebirth in my life. I’m finding the process of death and rebirth to be very accelerated these days. As I have been breaking the chains of past trauma and unlocking long barricaded doors inside my brain I’m dying and bursting back into the world of the living over and over again.
Last week I experienced the death of a long-held idea about myself and my childhood. I was stunned by how much the death of this idea hurt and haunted me. Embracing the truth that I uncovered stuck a knife in my heart and caused me to need to let that old view of the self die and a new self to emerge. I grieved this old self and felt sad to see this romanticized idea die and be replaced by something closer to the truth. As always a new self sprung to life and she is more compassionate to the little girl who was and she can see the landscape of my life with fresh eyes and perspective. This is magick! Being able to face the old ideas regarding self and embrace new ways of viewing the now and the past. This process can be heart-rending but through working with The Morrigan I have learned to face it all bravely knowing that the death of the old self is only temporary. She used to nudge me towards the changes I needed to make now I feel she watches over me as I move through transformation after transformation, recreating myself over and over like the creatrix witch that I am.
This week I intend to meditate and work magick using the Queen of Pentacles as my inspiration. She keeps coming up over and over. Mars is back in Gemini and so I’m hoping that will give me a tad more energy. I will admit that working magick when you are chronically ill can be very difficult. It can be hard for me to muster the energy I need and at times the brain fog makes it hard to focus. Early spring has arrived in Wisconsin and so I am hoping to draw some energy from that as well. The new moon will once again be upon us next Saturday. It will be in watery Pisces. I intend to work some over the next few days to removed obstacles so that when the new moon comes I can hit the ground running.
Do you work with the moon cycles? If so what will your new moon work look like?
Did you have a happy Yule? Mine was mostly quiet, cozy, and simple. We are all moved into our new house and I am enjoying having a yard again. I’ve been spending time getting to know the land spirits and we were even able to have a fire outside on the solstice. The lovely tree pictured above was found on a walk with my puppy yesterday. It reminded me of the crone adorned in her finest winter dress. There is something so magickal about snow and ice on trees making the whole world look like a fairyland.
I have been thinking about rewilding. It was a focus of mine last year before my health went down the tubes. I know that I have some unfinished work there. A year later I am seeing rewilding differently. I have never been far from the earth, trees, and wild things in my environment. The forest isn’t where I will find the wild I seek. The wild I’m in search of comes from within me. It is stoked in the furnace of my soul and in who I was before the world told me I wasn’t enough. My word for this year is pleasure and I think to find pleasure I need to get reacquainted with my inner wild.
When I was a little girl I had a wild imagination. I ran wild through the wooded area near my apartment making that space my home away from home. As a young adult, I would go to see live music almost every weekend. I would dance and sing along with my favorite bands and allow myself to float on the wild current of the crowd. All these versions of myself still exist within me. I just need to allow myself to connect with them again. At some point, I learned that I was too old to spend my days climbing trees, dancing became harder once the responsibilities of adulthood came crashing in. My imagination dimmed when there were no more worlds to create other than the mundane world of work and the “shoulds” so many of us face.
When I first started practicing witchcraft I felt that wild energy. In being a witch I was not bending to what others thought I should do or be. I was being fully myself, it felt good and it felt wild. I remember when I would have dreams of flying and meeting the gods/goddesses face to face. I remember the wonder of seeing things I hoped for manifested in the world for the first time. It would be good to reconnect with that energy again. Pleasure waits at the place where I can let myself feel wild without constantly judging whether or not my feelings are mature, best for others, or if they serve a purpose other than giving me happiness.
As I follow this path I will post more. When do you feel wild? Did you choose a word for the year?
We moved last week. For the last few days I have been trying to get in touch with the earth on the property we moved to. We haven’t had much snow this year so I took advantage of it. I found a spot under a tree and I laid down on the ground. I ran my fingers over the grass and then pressed my palms into the soft earth. For the first time since we moved I was able to pour all of my anxiety into the earth
As I gazed up at the tree I whispered my secrets and asked the tree to share her secrets with me. She spoke to me and told me her name is the mother tree. She shared her calm life-giving energy with me. I felt like I could just fall asleep under her. My little puppy Sansa came and laid with me. Together we enjoyed the moment dozing in the peace of the warm earth. After a while, we went inside and took a long nap together. I have really bad insomnia so any time I can sleep deeply and well it is a good thing. I woke up feeling so rested and relaxed. I’m planning to take an offering out to her later on today. I’m so grateful for the calming energy. My new backyard already feels like a sanctuary and I already feel a part of the community. A couple of days ago my husband and I took out offerings of gratitude for our new property and I went around and introduced myself to the land. I can’t wait to spend more time out there working magick and communing with nature.
How was your Samhain? I had a lovely Samhain although some of what I had to let go of was hard. We lost our dog recently and so my husband and I have both been grieving that loss. My space feels so empty and I have been surprised by how big his energy was in my life. I hope he stays with me or at least comes to visit from time to time.
We are moving at the end of the month. We will only be 30 minutes away from where we are now. I am very excited because I will have a room to dedicate as a temple room. In the past I have had spaces for my altars but never an entire room. I think it will be really fun to set up.
Right now I am sitting in front of a sunny window enjoying the bare trees. I love trees in all seasons even when they are bare. They remind me to rest as the earth is preparing to do. They remind me that crones are beautiful! It is unseasonably warm today so I’m going to try to take a walk. Soon the snow will be flying and I’m actually ok with that. With everything tough going on in the world this year my connection to the Goddess has kept me sane and I’ve felt held by the universe. I hope you are all doing ok. How was your Samhain?
Once we move and I get started on my temple space I will post some photos here and over on Instagram!
During the month of November I like to focus on gratitude. Today I am greatful for a lovely Samhain celebration last night. It is so delicious when you can feel your ancestors on the wind. I threw what no longer serves me into the fire and brought in some fresh inspiration for the new year. Who knows what this month holds, I only know that gratitude makes most things easier for me to get through. Are you focusing on gratitude this month? What are you grateful for?
The Virgo new moon is finally here and she couldn’t arrive soon enough. I have been feeling stuck in stagnant energy and then yesterday, POW, even before the new moon hit I felt something break loose inside me. I’m sure that I do not need to tell you that this year is different than any other we have experienced. It has been a loaded year for me and I’m am seriously looking forward to going within during October. I have been working on healing all year and I’ve made some huge strides. As the new moon was approaching I became aware of it’s healing potential but I was feeling pretty ambivalent about it. Yesterday I was minding my own business questioning in my head what I was going to do for the new moon and then suddenly Innana and Lillith came to call. I have worked with both of these Goddesses in the past so it wasn’t a complete shocker. They made it pretty clear what they thought I should be working on and suddenly it all made sense. I love it when the gods speak so clearly to you and it all comes together. The healing work I need to focus on is deep childhood stuff. I have been doing this work already but Innnana and Lillith showed me a different angle that I had not considered. This work could have big ramifications in other parts of my life that I have been struggling with. Along with this I now have some clarity regarding some things I want to work on during the Samhain season.
I hope you all have a wonderful new moon and Mabon!
The Universe has been sending me all sorts of messages over the last week that something is not right. Some of these messages have come through my personal tarot readings and some have come from outside sources. The only difference over the last week has been that the messages are getting louder. Because I have so much trauma in my past it can be easy for me to become really worried when I receive these insights and that worry often leads to a feeling of helplessness. Like ok, it’s coming and I just have to brace myself. I recognize that as an old coping mechanism and I know that it served me long ago but it doesn’t serve me now. When a fellow witch is in need I am the first one to offer help but I don’t always rush to my own aide. Morrighan always speaks the loudest and the most clearly and she is saying, Witch, protect yourself! I also feel she is reminding me of my strength and abilities and also reminding me to use those abilities. Sometimes I get so caught up in the deep personal work I am trying to do that I forget to do things like shore up my defenses. I am grateful for the reminder and I have made a plan to work some magick to protect myself but also to stand in my power as a witch. I spent time with my Book of Shadows this morning and I think I know what I want to do.
How has September been treating you so far? What messages are you hearing on the wind?
September is here and I am loving the energy already. Normally Pisces energy doesn’t really feel energizing to me but today I am full to overflowing. My altar is lit up and magick is brewing in my cauldron. My goals for this month are ambitious and exciting. I am more than willing to allow the summer to give way to autumn. This summer has had its blessings but it has also exhausted me. Healing has been the name of the game this summer and now I am more than ready to move onto something else. September is also the time of the year when I start to think about Samhain and ready myself for the work it brings. I can feel myself turning inward already. This full moon brings with it a desire for deeper everything. Deep conversations, deep friendship, and deep work. Shadow work has been going on all summer and I have to wonder where it will go during the turn towards the dark. I recognize it might seem like I’m jumping ahead and maybe I am, I always start to feel the dark creeping in during this season. I hope this full moon finds you blessed!