Wow! Things have changed for me over the last week or so. Once I decided to start a new coven it feels like the whole universe has broken open for me. Between that and it being the Samhain season I am feeling a bit unbalance and I am having to try to reach towards being somewhat more grounded. The good part of all of this is I can feel delicious passionate energy for my craft rushing through my veins. I’m so grateful for that. This weekend my hubby and I will be heading out to the woods of Wisconsin for a little camping adventure. I think the trip will help me ground myself. It will be good to unplug and soak up some earth energy. How is your Samhain season going? Do you have any exciting plans?
It might seem like an odd time of year to be talking about new life but I have some to share. I have been wondering what my big harvest is going to be this year. What I have discovered is that starting a new coven is my big harvest. Now I knew this was coming but I did not think it would come this fast. That being said, the goddess (Morrighan) has been pushing me out of my comfort zone and back into the mix since last spring. I’m one of those people who plans and thinks about something and then when the time feels right I pull the trigger. I often can feel it coming but I just don’t know how soon. When it happens it usually surprises others but I’m often more than ready to go. My mind is buzzing with ideas and excitement at this new adventure. I feel truly restored after a year of working on it. I’m not as afraid as I thought I might be. I have done a lot of letting go and so I’m not so worried about what others will think or how they will respond. Don’t worry, I’m going to be careful to heed the lessons learned from the past. It feels good to be in the center of where I want to be after striving for so long.
What do you want to harvest at Samhain?
This one is kind of tied to motherhood but its roots are deeper than that. I was raised United Pentecostal and taught my whole childhood that women are the servants of the home. She has to submit to her husband and the home is pretty much her responsibility. I was also taught that women should be silent in church and I watched all the women around me doing the grunt work of running the church while the men took all of the glory. Now I’ve been a feminist witch for a long time and I do not still believe these teachings are right, at least not on a conscious level. That being said I do see how these teachings crept into some pretty hard to get to cracks of my mind. When something is taught to you from such a young age you often spend much of your adult life finding the remnants and trying to get free from them.
This letting go is about freedom and taking the time to serve myself. I feel that having a fresh empty nest is a good time to work on this. I have space now to focus on my needs and ambitions. I hope that no one thinks I’m trying to be selfish, it isn’t about being selfish it is about creating balance.
I know that my attitudes regarding all of this had a big effect on how I worked within the pagan community before I left. I came at it from a place of servitude. How can I serve the community? It did not take long for that to turn into me being taken advantage of. I can’t really blame myself, I was doing what I thought was right. Now if all things were equal and everyone had an attitude of service it might have been ok. It became about what I could do/provide for them and not about what I could get in return. All that giving is what burned me out. In the end, I was left with an empty cup. Now as I ponder rejoining some kind of pagan community I know my approach will be very different. I’m not going to be anyone’s servant. I will put my shoulder to the plough when it is needed but I will not do it alone.
All the blogging and journalling I have been doing about this is really helping me to gain clarity. I’m heading towards Samhain with a very good vision for what I need to release and what I want to bring in.
I know that I will always be a mother and I love my children very much. Motherhood has been a huge part of my identity and at times it has eclipsed everything else. I’m not saying I’m ready to shift into cronehood, it more that I’m ready to shift into queendom. It is time to let go of full-time motherhood. I spent 25 years having minor kids at home and now my nest is empty. Thankfully the goddess has helped me prepare for this and because of that, I’m handling it better than expected. I can only vaguely remember my life before motherhood. It exists in this dream-like place that is pretty hard to access. Now standing in my empty nest I can clearly see the daily sacrifices I have made. They add up to a mountain of time and compromise. I’m proud of the work I have done. At times I ache inside because I don’t feel like my kids see me or know who I really am. I think some of them are still in that selfish stage of life. I wonder if other mothers wish for their kids to see them as human and not as the superhuman role that is the mother. Letting go of this part of motherhood means daring to be who I’ve always wanted to be. I have no more excuses about being tied to raising children. So much is bundled up in this. I can wake when I want and sleep when I want. I can create in the midst of feverish inspiration. I don’t have to be home or away. There is much to unpack here. Some of the reason I want to let go of this role is that my kids need me to be different now. Plus they can be a rather judgemental lot, everything I do is scrutinized and analyzed. Do we think mom should be doing that? I know that some of them worry about my political activism and are worried that I might get hurt. They worry about what kind of job I’m going to take and how it might affect the family. Just as they need me to step back and let them make mistakes and live their life, I need to start living my own life. This means daring to do the things they might not approve of. It means living for me for the first time ever.