I have been finding myself dreaming about Ostara. Along with that comes hope for more sunshine and spring weather. I often struggle to stay present in whatever moment I’m in. My mind and heart wander towards the past or into the future. This part of the year is always the hardest. The holidays are over and they leave in their wake a long stretch of gray that seems to be never-ending. Right now my home is lit up with pink and red lights leftover from Valentine’s Day. Anything to make my surroundings feel more festive and alive. I’m trying to cultivate fire to assist me in feeling less dull. Fire is something I can capture but it is hard for me to keep it burning. As I gaze out my window the snowflakes are falling and the view is both pretty and depressing. It’s easy to welcome the snow in December but much harder in mid-February. I remind myself that two months of snow isn’t that bad but that doesn’t do much to change my mood.
This week I intend to work on both cultivating fire and staying present in the moment. Of course, the Mercury retrograde isn’t going to make that second part easy. I feel like a 17-year-old who is one month away from their 18th birthday. I am so ready to burst forth into the future but I have to wait just a little bit longer.
How are you handling the winter season? What are you working on magickally?
I am experiencing a season of release. When I was younger I would hold onto things until the universe would pry them away from me. It was painful and my life improved so much when I learned to let go. It feels like spring is right around the corner even though we were just blanketed with a fresh snowfall. As I dream of the fresh growth I know is coming soon I have to remove the deadwood of what has died to make room. Some of it is more than ready to go and other parts hold on and resist. I gently tug on those bits being careful to remove the roots as well.
Working on self-respect means that I have to let go of some toxic stuff and people. Just because something or someone is comfortable and easy doesn’t mean that they are good for us. I have been struggling with fibro lately. It has been really tough and I know that in order to get better I can’t have a lot of drama in my life. So I know that eventually letting all of this go will be better for my health as well. I keep reminding myself that Ostara is not that far off and soon my little plants will be poking their heads up searching for the sun. I have to make sure nothing is in their way!
How are you preparing for the next turn of the wheel?
Well, the goddess is wasting no time in talking with me about my intentions for this year. One of the areas of focus is around respecting myself. I kinda always knew this was going to lead where it has begun to go but I have not been looking forward to it. Part of respecting myself is not letting others disrespect me. I have a habit of allowing people to behave in ways that are disrespectful because I don’t want the confrontation or because I don’t want them to dislike me. In the past when I have put my foot down it has cost me relationships and people started to see me as being too tough or that my expectations were too high. I have found that within Pagan circles excellence is often looked down upon. If you exude excellence you are seen to be intimidating and intense and those are seen as negative qualities. Maybe this is why I have traditionally struggled to fit into these circles. I take my spirituality very seriously and I tend to seek out relationships with others like myself. Sometimes this means I feel isolated and misunderstood. The problem comes in when I compromise my beliefs and standards in order to fit in or have friends. I cannot allow others to disrespect me and still respect myself. Oh well, I have my work cut out for me! I think this may be the theme of my full moon work this month.