Restoration may have been my word for last year but the vibrations are still washing over me. Technically that word ended at Samhain and Create started, but the Universe runs on her own time. Last year after the election I had some of the darkest days I have ever had. In most respects, this past year was a dumpster fire. In my personal life, 2017 brought many ups and downs but more ups than downs. Restoration pushed me to engage with skills that I have not used in a very long time. I dusted off my old networking hat and organized the hell out of things. Last year started small and simple but the closer we got to the end (I’m not sure the Universe is done with me yet) the deeper it all went. Samhain came and went and I thought I was moving onto other things. The crone was waiting for me and she took me to some really dark places. Rooms in my childhood that have not been opened in a very long time. Memories flooded back and challenged me to see them in a new light. These rooms held deep wounds and it was pretty frightening pulling the curtain back, but with Her help, I faced those old demons and I’m glad I did. She showed me that there is support out there and that although my child self-suffered in silence my adult self could find understanding. Through this process, I have more compassion for my child self and I can see her for what she truly was, an innocent.
On the lighter side, I went back to dance class today. It was a very joyful experience. I felt the Goddess (may have been Bast) smiling down on and me and telling me this was Restoration too. I have not been to dance class for about 2 years. It felt good to shake off the stress of the holidays and engage with that part of myself that loves to get lost in the music.
Create/Creatrix has started as well. I have started a new coven and I have been creating systems and planning events. I am making lots of fiber art and writing more. It feels like Create is the reward for all of the Restoration I have been doing. I am super excited about spring and what that turn of the wheel will bring.
If any of you are thinking of working with Restoration make sure you are ready for it. Restoration is not an easy process but it is rewarding in the end. Do you have a word you are working with?
I made a Morrigan doll per her request and I kind of love it! It was a process considering Mercury is retro and so I struggled mightily with the simple task of sewing. Now I plan to move onto the task of making a Morrigan wand. I found a lovely stick I want to use it for that purpose. I feel like I have been infused with energy and inspiration. Along with that, I feel like my connection to the divine is wide open. This often happens leading up to Beltane so I’m not super surprised, but I am delighted. I’m trying to take advantage of the energy boost while I have it. Breakthroughs are wonderful and I’m very grateful right now.
I’m feeling super energized! My practice has been infused with fresh inspiration. My matron deity has been knocking on my door, and that knocking has become louder and louder. She (Morrigan) knows how to get my attention and I know better than to ignore her. Because of the recent flurry of activity with her, I know there are things I need to do. I feel she has laid in my path a bunch of things to inspire me and maybe make the road a bit easier. I’m grateful.
I have been so stuck. I have not known how to move ahead, or even what I wanted to move ahead towards. I’m still not sure but at least I have some vision. I can see the ways this fresh vision ties into the old visions I once had. I feel like I can capture some of my old desires but with a fresh twist. There is much work to be done, but it feels good to have something new to sink my teeth into. I am aware of how vague this all sounds, as my vision becomes clearer I will share more.
What are your full moon plans? My wishes for you are full moon blessings and safe passage through this retrograde period.
I have been neglecting my spirituality. It isn’t that I haven’t been practicing, it is that I have not been engaging my heart. Recently I spent a lot of time working on my heart and I feel like this is the final phase. My practice has become very practical and results driven. That Capricorn moon of mine probably has something to do with this. Something has been missing and today it hit me like a ton of bricks. It is my devotion. I’m devoted to my craft but my devotion to my gods has been slipping. I think this is all a part of the heart issue I was having in other areas of my life. That chakra was so blocked and I had built up some pretty serious walls around my heart. It had become hard for me to receive love from others and my creativity was nowhere to be found.
I think this was the last hiding place for me because I have been so hurt by pagans. This healing process has been long and each time I think I have reached the end there is more there. I fear I have let the pain of stepping away from community drain my passion and devotion for my gods. I have to remind myself that community is indeed separate from my relationship with my deities. I am still a priestess of Morrigan. I may be working in other ways but that will never change. I was reminded today of when she chose me and how I once interacted with her.
Once this all hit me, I decided that today is the day. I think one of the reasons my devotion has slipped is because I simply do not make time for it. I do all the practical stuff, the stuff that meets needs and gives answers. What is left behind is time to just be with Morrigan. Time to meditate on her and tend to my altar. I have been telling myself that there isn’t time for all that, but it has really been about me not wanting to access my heart.
I did a lovely meditation today and I feel very renewed by it. I practiced having an open heart and I let myself breathe and accept what my guide had to give. No one ever said being a witch was easy! I am grateful for the struggle.
I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I have been struggling through a bad case of viral bronchitis. I’m finally feeling a bit better now. I don’t have a lot to share today except that I realized this morning that Beltane is right around the corner! *runs around the room cheering* I love Beltane and I’m looking forward to the energy shift! Here in Wisconsin green things are popping up all over. I’m so glad that March is over and May will be here soon! Here are some old Beltane photos to get you ready for the season.
I have been working with water for a season. I would love to be able to report back that all of my work has been successful. The truth is this is very hard work for me. Too much water makes me feel so heavy and (remember I am a Gemini) not enough makes me feel empty.
Strangely enough, I feel best when I’m working with water solo. I can commune with it in the tub, or at my local park. Alone with water, it is healing for me, but when I start to involve others it gets kind of out of control. Being an empath I’m always trying to figure out which energy is mine and what belongs to others. People with lots of water in their charts can be hard for me to be around for long periods of time. Boundaries, always working on boundaries.
I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that I am simply not built for tons of water. Where water comes into play in my life the wells run deep, but it isn’t where I feel at home. I most want to be up in the sky with the birds or nestled down on the grass with the mother.
For now, I am going to give my water work a rest. I need to bring myself back into balance and what I need most is fire and some air.
I have been working with the queen archetype for a long time. Something has felt off to me and so now I’m trying to identify where I am being challenged. When I really think about it I have always identified with the queen, sometimes more than others. Being alone so much during childhood caused me to develop this archetype. I was the queen of my life and domain because it was just me and my dog. My parents were mostly absent. I chose how my day-to-day played out in a way that most children never experience. From an early age, I managed my kingdom and took on responsibility.
Now that the duties of motherhood are passing through my fingers I know it is time to move more into the role of queen. For about 5 years now I have been feeling pulled in this direction. The issue is that it never feels quite right. When I look back to other points in my adulthood I can see myself playing the role of queen even if the mother archetype was center stage. So why am I struggling so much now?
So far this is what I have figured out, due to my bad experiences in the pagan community, being in relationships where I gave up my power and raising teens I have lost touch with the queen archetype. Realizing how this archetype is tied to my childhood and that it has been with me my whole life brings into focus why I have been feeling so off lately. When you are not able to fully be yourself, when you are shutting parts of yourself down, then you’re going to feel off.
When trying to figure this all out I had to look at the shadow side of the queen to see if I had taken on any of those characteristics. The shadow of the queen is:
Black and white thinking
Unable to receive
I always struggle with being arrogant, because I am so aware of that I do a good job of keeping it in check. I may be a tad more cold and distant but not to an extreme. I don’t think I have taken on much of the shadow side. I have simply shut down that part of myself. So now the question is how do I draw that energy back to me?
One thing that has been made clear to me as I have studied this archetype is that the queen must be able to receive. Receiving is a tough challenge for me to take on. I struggle to truly receive love and to trust enough to let people help me. A queen has to feel empowered. This is a daily challenge for me, in some ways I feel super empowered and in other ways, it is clear to me that I have given my power away. Lastly, the queen cultivates purpose. This is the meat of my struggles. This empty nest has left me seeking purpose and not being sure of myself in this area for the first time in my life.
Well, I guess I have my full moon work cut out for me! Lucky for me the moon is in the majestic sign of Leo. The moon in Leo is one of my favorite placements. The lunar eclipse is a great time for openings and closings, and it is an explosive time for creativity. Warm up your cauldrons this is a good time to get some work done!