I have been feeling weird. I love October and everything that comes with it but this year just feels off to me. I’m not digging this Mercury Retrograde shadow so I suspect that the actual thing is really going to piss me off. I have been moving between wanting to spend time with people and wanting to be left alone. Feeling love for humanity and wanting to punch something really hard. The ancestors are making their presence known this year but in a kind of in your face sort of way. I feel like my home is crowded even when I’m all alone. I’m trying to tone back some of my constant work on balance because I’m beginning to see that in a way it is not natural. There is a balance between the seasons but summer is never trying to be both summer and winter at the same time. But that is another post for another day. Right now I’m trying to allow myself to feel what I feel without judgment. I’m also being very mindful of my interactions with others because I have been feeling kind of punchy and it can come through in my communications with people I care about. My physical energy has been all over the place as well, at times I’m raring to go and feeling passionate and energized and at other times I’m wiped out and I just want to hide in my blankets. Boy when the tired hits it hits hard! To manage this weird energy I have been talking with Morrighan and Dagda more and seeking the help of my house full of ancestors.
How are you managing the energy floating out there right now?
I have been feeling a little off the last couple of weeks. It isn’t that I have been feeling bad it’s more that I have been feeling numb and stuck. Last night after doing my full moon work I started to feel a breakthrough coming. Spirit gave me a gentle reminder that when I tend to my spiritual practice I can make things happen and that I have more power to change my world than I sometimes believe I do. I tried my best to listen to my intuition and the messages coming from Morrighan and then suddenly it all bubbled up. For a long long time, I have been working to release scarcity and it feels like it is never totally gone. Facing another Samhain and contemplating what I want to let go of led me to think about scarcity again. Part of my process is to dig deeper and turn things over in my mind to see if I’m missing something. All this introspection led me to something that seems simple but also something I never considered. This thing bleeds over into so many parts of my life and in some pretty profound ways. I don’t trust myself. I’m worried about losing control. This all leads back to childhood as most roads do and I don’t intend to get into all of that today.
It isn’t scarcity that I fear, I fear that I might make stupid money choices leaving me without enough. This leads to hating money and never enjoying spending it. I’m always working to attract abundance and money but how can you attract something that you hate? This also impacts my body acceptance issues. I don’t trust myself to eat right or to know how often I should exercise. When my body tells me it needs rest in the afternoon my internal talk is always about how I shouldn’t need rest. All this needs to change. I’m going to work on letting go of the distrust I have concerning listening to my inner voice. I already know that deep self-love needs to happen next year so I’m going to let go of the voices that tell me that I do not deserve love. Lastly, I need to work on self-respect. I need to listen to and respect the needs that I often ignore. That is a lot but it is all-important work and it is all connected.
This bleeds over into the community work I want to do next year. I have to trust my inner wisdom and know that I will make good choices when it comes to connections. It is the people part of the Pagan community that I fear. That fear is a big hump to get over but I know I can do it with the help of Spirit.
What messages did the universe send your way for the full moon? Do you plan to let go of things for Samhain?
It feels like autumn and I am thrilled about it. Autumn is when I feel the most alive and inspired. My hope is that I can really soak it all in this year and through that have enough energy to get me through the winter. The last couple of weeks have been so fruitful in the magick department. I created a ritual to reconnect and rededicate myself to my journey as a priestess. This seems to always happen this time of the year. I never plan it that way it just seems to be the right time. So once again I am faced with the question, “What are you willing to do in order to deepen your practice?” Along with this I have been thinking some about Mabon and what I want to harvest. In some ways I think I have that harvest already but who knows there might be more coming. I am also starting to think about my word of the year. I always chose a new word at Samhain so around this time I start writing down possibilities. Usually about three days before Samhain I feel pretty sure about what the word will be.
Last night I worked my full moon ritual and took a moonlit walk with my husband and dog. The ritual was lovely and personal. I talked so much over with Morrighan. We have been doing so much of that lately. Just talking and I have been making more time to be quiet and listen. Sometimes my practice is more about the magick and some times it is more about connection with the Goddess. Right now I’m in a very intense season of connection. I’m so grateful for this path that I’m on because the world can be a very harsh place and at time I feel so powerless. Morrighan reminds me of my ability to create change.
Did you do anything special to celebrate the full moon?
Sometimes the goddess pushes me. Sometimes in general and sometimes The Morrigan in particular. A couple of years ago I felt her pushing me towards starting a coven and I did that. We are very small in number but I feel good about how things are unfolding right now. I’m feeling her push again and this time I am struggling to heed her call. She is asking for expansion. She is pulling my focus back to her and my work as her priestess. The idea of expansion makes my anxiety flare. My last experience within the Pagan community did not end well. It was a decade of many highs and lows and it left me beaten and bruised and in need of time away. I’m a very different person now. I suspect the Pagan community I left is very much the same. So I struggle with the question of expansion that is infused with intention and openness. I want to grow my spiritual circle with intention but I also want to be open to new people. In the past, I would have rushed out and started making plans. I would have gone from 0-100 in 60 seconds. Time has made me more cautious and deliberate. I think I need to meditate on this some more. Change is coming I can feel it, I just have to be ready.
My coven and I will be celebrating Mabon on Saturday. It has been a really tough week and so I have been looking forward to having a day with them to decompress and focus on the harvest and honoring the gods.
This morning I spent a lot of time with my journal thinking about what my Mabon harvest would be. The main thing that bubbled to the surface is a renewed love for my role as Priestess of my coven. This has been a summer of sifting and trying to figure out who I am now that all of my babies are out of the house. I’m harvesting clarity. I feel that Morrigan has reminded me why I chose this path and also how I cannot be separated from this part of myself. I’m not sure if that makes sense to any of you, but I feel like my devotion to her is a part of me at the deepest core of who I am, it is unchanging and has weathered all manner of storms and transformations. In a time when I have felt unsure about what kind of work I want to pursue and what my role should be with my adult children, my relationship with Morrigan has remained a constant. That is a great comfort.
It will not be long now and we will be thrust into my favorite month of the year. The forecast indicates that today may well be the last warm day of the season. I’m ok with that, I am ready to cool down and turn inwards. I have a feeling more little harvests will become apparent as we get closer to Mabon. If anything comes up I will share it with you.
It might seem like an odd time of year to be talking about new life but I have some to share. I have been wondering what my big harvest is going to be this year. What I have discovered is that starting a new coven is my big harvest. Now I knew this was coming but I did not think it would come this fast. That being said, the goddess (Morrighan) has been pushing me out of my comfort zone and back into the mix since last spring. I’m one of those people who plans and thinks about something and then when the time feels right I pull the trigger. I often can feel it coming but I just don’t know how soon. When it happens it usually surprises others but I’m often more than ready to go. My mind is buzzing with ideas and excitement at this new adventure. I feel truly restored after a year of working on it. I’m not as afraid as I thought I might be. I have done a lot of letting go and so I’m not so worried about what others will think or how they will respond. Don’t worry, I’m going to be careful to heed the lessons learned from the past. It feels good to be in the center of where I want to be after striving for so long.
I am so happy to welcome in September. In my mind it is fall now and fall is my favorite season. I have been having a rough go of it lately. Mercury being retro and the eclipse season has kind of kicked my butt. This Mercury retrograde has been all about family, and no one can hurt you like those you love the most. All my wounds are mostly patched up except for one. My youngest is moving out of the house this weekend. Everything in me feels it is too soon and she is not ready, of course she doesn’t agree with this assessment. With each breath I work towards letting go. I’m trying to tell myself that mourning 25 years of being mommy can go hand in hand with embracing a future full of possibilities. As each of my kids (I have 4) moved out I knew I was getting closer and closer to the end of this chapter, now that I’m here I feel prepared but also sad. I’m hoping with Morrighan’s help I can walk through this season with as much grace as possible.
“But when fall comes, kicking summer out on its treacherous ass as it always does one day sometime after the midpoint of September, it stays awhile like an old friend that you have missed. It settles in the way an old friend will settle into your favorite chair and take out his pipe and light it and then fill the afternoon with stories of places he has been and things he has done since last he saw you.”
― Stephen King, ‘Salem’s Lot
I have a feeling this harvest season is going to be a whopper! Lots going on in the world and so much going on with me. I’m not expecting anything bad just lots to bring in and even more to let go of. It’s funny how no matter how much you let go of there is always another layer to strip away. One blessing of the universe is that I always feel super energized in the autumn, so at least I will have the energy to do the work. Speaking of work, I have been having a great time connecting with my ancestors and I hope to continue that work through this season.
“O autumn, laden with fruit, and stain’d
With the blood of the grape, pass not, but sit
Beneath my shady roof, there thou mayst rest,
And tune thy jolly voice to my fresh pipe,
And all the daughters of the year shall dance!
Sing now the lusty song of fruits and flowers.
~William Blake (1757-1827), “To Autumn”
It won’t be long until Mabon is knocking on our door. Do you celebrate this turn of the wheel? What is your favorite way to mark Mabon? I like to go out to the winery near our home and welcome in the harvest with some local wine. Hopefully the equinox will help me find some balance.
“Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first september was crisp and golden as an apple.” —J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows