The Universe has been sending me all sorts of messages over the last week that something is not right. Some of these messages have come through my personal tarot readings and some have come from outside sources. The only difference over the last week has been that the messages are getting louder. Because I have so much trauma in my past it can be easy for me to become really worried when I receive these insights and that worry often leads to a feeling of helplessness. Like ok, it’s coming and I just have to brace myself. I recognize that as an old coping mechanism and I know that it served me long ago but it doesn’t serve me now. When a fellow witch is in need I am the first one to offer help but I don’t always rush to my own aide. Morrighan always speaks the loudest and the most clearly and she is saying, Witch, protect yourself! I also feel she is reminding me of my strength and abilities and also reminding me to use those abilities. Sometimes I get so caught up in the deep personal work I am trying to do that I forget to do things like shore up my defenses. I am grateful for the reminder and I have made a plan to work some magick to protect myself but also to stand in my power as a witch. I spent time with my Book of Shadows this morning and I think I know what I want to do.
How has September been treating you so far? What messages are you hearing on the wind?
Well, another turn of the wheel is passing us and soon it will be Mabon. I hope that you had a lovely Lughnasadh weekend. Here in Wisconsin, we have been having cooler weather. The cooler weather is a nice reprieve from the super hot and muggy weather we saw for most of July. I spent much of my weekend out in the woods and at the parks with my dog and my husband. I took time to count my harvest and reflect on Lugh and Demeter as I usually do. I foraged some apples and gave them to Morrighan as an offering. My little deck garden is bountiful and I am so grateful for my little harvest of herbs. I am also grateful for the harvest of a booming business and progress towards healing. While I was walking in the woods I could feel Lugh in the gentle glow of the sun and Demeter in the embrace of the tall grasses. The wind kissed my neck and at that moment I realized I was truly relaxed for the first time in a long long time. I am grateful for the gentle reminder that in nature I find my healing and rest. Out in the woods, I can breathe deep and I even stopped to smell the flowers. Maverick always reminds me to do that.
Maverick took so much joy in swimming while we were at the park. He also stuck his whole face in the flowers. I think he needed some time in the woods too. I made some bread on Saturday to honor Demeter and we cooked up some good food in the kitchen to honor Dagda. I tried to push work away as much as I could so to prolong the rest I was experiencing. Lughnasadh has always been one of my favorite turns of the wheel but this year it seemed extra special. It has been a hard year for everyone and I really needed a good harvest. In my personal writing, I have been referring to this year as my happy harvest. May it continue….
I have become a bird watcher. In truth this makes me feel kind of old but I’ve decided to embrace it. They are all so different and their little habits so interesting. Right now I am trying to charm my neighborhood crows. So far I’ve had more luck with the squirrels so the struggle continues. I am a Gemini so my affinity for birds should surprise no one. When I first became a witch I had a very vivid lucid dream about flying that took my breath away. I had never had a dream like that before and I’ve never had one since. It seemed to be a message from the universe to say that I was on the right spiritual track.
Yesterday started off weird. I’m not a Scorpio moon fan and a Scorpio full moon can really throw me for a loop. I felt like my emotions were all over the place. Something came to a head within my heart while I was finishing a full moon tarot reading. I have been struggling with this highly personal issue for about a month now. I kept going to the gods with it trying to figure out why it was coming up and exactly what I was supposed to do with it. You know how it is when the universe wants you to look at something, it can just keep putting it in your face in different ways. So this kept going on over April and into May and so yesterday I asked The Morrighan for some clarity and answers. I read my cards and tried to find the truth there and all that did for me was bring up more questions. Bleh…My full moon plan was to work on courage and so I did my work and stepped away from my altar. Suddenly everything became clear and I felt that steely courage that only The Morrighan can encourage. I discovered that my issue was all tied up with my need for courage. I was seeing all the pretty ways courage would help me and not seeing this painful thing that could benefit from courage. So I took action and it was easier than I expected it to be and just like that, I felt free from what had been dogging me for over a month. Sorry, I’m being so cryptic it is just that this issue is very personal and hard for me to talk about. I debated whether or not to blog about it and decided there was value in sharing even if I don’t give you all of the specifics. I confronted something hard and because of that, I have let go of yet another issue making my transformation easier.
It’s funny how the full moon can surprise you. I never expected yesterday to pan out like it did but I’m so happy. I have additional freedom that will make turning 50 so much easier. As I leave behind the thoughts, patterns, and habits that have held me back up until now I feel freer to fly like my bird friends into the second half of my life.
Well, the world is a mess right now and I have been struggling to focus. On top of that, I have been feeling so much rage. I am currently trying to write a memoir about my childhood and that process is stirring all of the ghosts from the past. Part of my attempt to stay balanced in this time of uncertainty has been to take many many long walks with my dog. Maverick is a wonderful teacher with regards to staying present in the moment. He is the court jester reminding me to laugh and his joy when we are outdoors is infectious.
Yesterday while walking I took some time to really talk with Morrighan. I shared with her all of my rage and frustration. I didn’t hear much back probably because I wasn’t able to hear with all of my emotions pouring out. This morning I felt much calmer and I feel like I am hearing her speak to me.
It feels good to have this connection with my Matron deity. She is always responsive but right now things are so scary and hard. Today I plan to try to listen and plan for tomorrow’s full moon. I had no plans to work big magick tomorrow but that has all changed this morning. I’m hoping as the day unfolds I will have a clearer image of what needs to be done.
I hope all of you are doing well and staying healthy. What are your plans for the full moon? How are you keeping your balance during this hard time?
Tuesdays are a devotional day for me. I will sometimes bring Morrighan a token or devote a work out to her. Other times I will talk with her about whatever things are going on in my life. I feel when you choose to walk with Morrighan you are not choosing an easy path. She seems to choose those who challenge themselves and she almost always has a challenge for me. Her challenges never feel like a burden and I know that I will be better for having taken her up on it.
Right now my main challenge has been dealing with my health issues. I felt like she was telling me way back at Samhain that this year was going to be very self-focused. I felt a little guilty choosing that path but I trust her and so that is the direction I started to walk. Soon I found out why that was needed and I’m so glad that she gave me the heads up about it. I’m starting to see that part of the challenge is living life to the fullest and not just moving from commitment to commitment. I have also been focusing on turning down all the negative noise in my life which means less time on social media. The world may need me but I need me more.
Over this waning moon period, I have been working on letting go of any lingering guilt or shame that I feel but that doesn’t really belong to me. Each time I work on this process it gets easier and there is less to let go of. For the new moon, I’m planning to set intentions around positivity and not letting my illness rule my life. I can’t believe that Imbolc is just a few weeks away! Before you know it we will be enjoying spring.:) The wheel keeps turning…
Do you have a primary deity? How do you honor that deity?
I have been feeling weird. I love October and everything that comes with it but this year just feels off to me. I’m not digging this Mercury Retrograde shadow so I suspect that the actual thing is really going to piss me off. I have been moving between wanting to spend time with people and wanting to be left alone. Feeling love for humanity and wanting to punch something really hard. The ancestors are making their presence known this year but in a kind of in your face sort of way. I feel like my home is crowded even when I’m all alone. I’m trying to tone back some of my constant work on balance because I’m beginning to see that in a way it is not natural. There is a balance between the seasons but summer is never trying to be both summer and winter at the same time. But that is another post for another day. Right now I’m trying to allow myself to feel what I feel without judgment. I’m also being very mindful of my interactions with others because I have been feeling kind of punchy and it can come through in my communications with people I care about. My physical energy has been all over the place as well, at times I’m raring to go and feeling passionate and energized and at other times I’m wiped out and I just want to hide in my blankets. Boy when the tired hits it hits hard! To manage this weird energy I have been talking with Morrighan and Dagda more and seeking the help of my house full of ancestors.
How are you managing the energy floating out there right now?
I have been feeling a little off the last couple of weeks. It isn’t that I have been feeling bad it’s more that I have been feeling numb and stuck. Last night after doing my full moon work I started to feel a breakthrough coming. Spirit gave me a gentle reminder that when I tend to my spiritual practice I can make things happen and that I have more power to change my world than I sometimes believe I do. I tried my best to listen to my intuition and the messages coming from Morrighan and then suddenly it all bubbled up. For a long long time, I have been working to release scarcity and it feels like it is never totally gone. Facing another Samhain and contemplating what I want to let go of led me to think about scarcity again. Part of my process is to dig deeper and turn things over in my mind to see if I’m missing something. All this introspection led me to something that seems simple but also something I never considered. This thing bleeds over into so many parts of my life and in some pretty profound ways. I don’t trust myself. I’m worried about losing control. This all leads back to childhood as most roads do and I don’t intend to get into all of that today.
It isn’t scarcity that I fear, I fear that I might make stupid money choices leaving me without enough. This leads to hating money and never enjoying spending it. I’m always working to attract abundance and money but how can you attract something that you hate? This also impacts my body acceptance issues. I don’t trust myself to eat right or to know how often I should exercise. When my body tells me it needs rest in the afternoon my internal talk is always about how I shouldn’t need rest. All this needs to change. I’m going to work on letting go of the distrust I have concerning listening to my inner voice. I already know that deep self-love needs to happen next year so I’m going to let go of the voices that tell me that I do not deserve love. Lastly, I need to work on self-respect. I need to listen to and respect the needs that I often ignore. That is a lot but it is all-important work and it is all connected.
This bleeds over into the community work I want to do next year. I have to trust my inner wisdom and know that I will make good choices when it comes to connections. It is the people part of the Pagan community that I fear. That fear is a big hump to get over but I know I can do it with the help of Spirit.
What messages did the universe send your way for the full moon? Do you plan to let go of things for Samhain?
It feels like autumn and I am thrilled about it. Autumn is when I feel the most alive and inspired. My hope is that I can really soak it all in this year and through that have enough energy to get me through the winter. The last couple of weeks have been so fruitful in the magick department. I created a ritual to reconnect and rededicate myself to my journey as a priestess. This seems to always happen this time of the year. I never plan it that way it just seems to be the right time. So once again I am faced with the question, “What are you willing to do in order to deepen your practice?” Along with this I have been thinking some about Mabon and what I want to harvest. In some ways I think I have that harvest already but who knows there might be more coming. I am also starting to think about my word of the year. I always chose a new word at Samhain so around this time I start writing down possibilities. Usually about three days before Samhain I feel pretty sure about what the word will be.
Last night I worked my full moon ritual and took a moonlit walk with my husband and dog. The ritual was lovely and personal. I talked so much over with Morrighan. We have been doing so much of that lately. Just talking and I have been making more time to be quiet and listen. Sometimes my practice is more about the magick and some times it is more about connection with the Goddess. Right now I’m in a very intense season of connection. I’m so grateful for this path that I’m on because the world can be a very harsh place and at time I feel so powerless. Morrighan reminds me of my ability to create change.
Did you do anything special to celebrate the full moon?
Sometimes the goddess pushes me. Sometimes in general and sometimes The Morrigan in particular. A couple of years ago I felt her pushing me towards starting a coven and I did that. We are very small in number but I feel good about how things are unfolding right now. I’m feeling her push again and this time I am struggling to heed her call. She is asking for expansion. She is pulling my focus back to her and my work as her priestess. The idea of expansion makes my anxiety flare. My last experience within the Pagan community did not end well. It was a decade of many highs and lows and it left me beaten and bruised and in need of time away. I’m a very different person now. I suspect the Pagan community I left is very much the same. So I struggle with the question of expansion that is infused with intention and openness. I want to grow my spiritual circle with intention but I also want to be open to new people. In the past, I would have rushed out and started making plans. I would have gone from 0-100 in 60 seconds. Time has made me more cautious and deliberate. I think I need to meditate on this some more. Change is coming I can feel it, I just have to be ready.
My coven and I will be celebrating Mabon on Saturday. It has been a really tough week and so I have been looking forward to having a day with them to decompress and focus on the harvest and honoring the gods.
This morning I spent a lot of time with my journal thinking about what my Mabon harvest would be. The main thing that bubbled to the surface is a renewed love for my role as Priestess of my coven. This has been a summer of sifting and trying to figure out who I am now that all of my babies are out of the house. I’m harvesting clarity. I feel that Morrigan has reminded me why I chose this path and also how I cannot be separated from this part of myself. I’m not sure if that makes sense to any of you, but I feel like my devotion to her is a part of me at the deepest core of who I am, it is unchanging and has weathered all manner of storms and transformations. In a time when I have felt unsure about what kind of work I want to pursue and what my role should be with my adult children, my relationship with Morrigan has remained a constant. That is a great comfort.
It will not be long now and we will be thrust into my favorite month of the year. The forecast indicates that today may well be the last warm day of the season. I’m ok with that, I am ready to cool down and turn inwards. I have a feeling more little harvests will become apparent as we get closer to Mabon. If anything comes up I will share it with you.