Yesterday was Ostara. My husband and I had a lovely little ritual. In my attempts to connect with this turn of the wheel something bubbled up. I struggle to connect with joy and pleasure. The seeds of this problem start in my childhood. My hope is that I will be able to take advantage of the Ostara season to reconnect with joy and pleasure.
During my childhood morality was assigned to every choice. Was it ultimately good or bad? Godly or sinful? A piece of cake might be delicious but you must be mindful of not being a glutton or of eating too many sweets. A day in the park playing was all fine and good but be sure to get that homework done and look out for strangers. All of this may seem minor but every choice was followed by the idea that god was watching and keeping a list of your wrong choices. I no longer believe any of that but the messages still speak to me when I’m enjoying something too much. This thinking has made me hyper-vigilant and when you are in that state of mind joy cannot come forward.
Yesterday during my ritual planning and during the ritual itself, I tried to let my inner child out to enjoy the fun. Right now I’m working on joy and I’m hoping to lean into pleasure for the Beltane season. Ostara energy is perfect for letting out my inner girl! I’m going to take more time to play and seek out the things that make my heart sing.
If you have been reading my blog for awhile then you know that balance is always something I am striving for. I have been engaging in some pretty intense shadow work for the last few months and so to balance that out I have been working on some art projects. Art always makes me feel better.
This project was inspired by Molly Roberts over at HerSpeak. I created this to serve as a backdrop on my altar. My plan is to use it during the fertility holidays coming up. Layered in the background are the Goddesses that made up my solstice garland. I wanted to show the fading of winter and the coming forward of the spring. I had so much fun creating this piece. It really helped me to get in touch with my inner child.
Over the weekend I cleaned up my altar space and decorated for Ostara. I love all of the bunnies and eggs. I used an old Ostara tree decoration that my kids put up every year as the centerpiece of my altar.
I’m grateful for this cheerful space to remind me that I cannot be all shadow all the time! As we move from Ostara into Beltane it will become more adult focused.
My shadow work has been so good. I feel like I am being transformed every day. It is good but it is not easy. I have a feeling the spells are going to be flying off my fingertips on the next full moon?
I am wishing for spring. This winter has felt so long. Today I have the day off. I spent a bit of time at the park trying to soak up some of the natural world.
I have stayed very healthy all winter and then a little over a week ago I got slammed. It started as a little cold and escalated to a weird flu thing. I’m at the end of it now but I’m struggling to shake it off. This has made it hard for me to focus on Ostara the way I would normally want to. I’m going to try to make time for meditation tomorrow. I know that I need it. I’m feeling terribly off balance right now.
The good news is the signs of spring are all around me. The robins are out and tiny green things are pushing through the soil. Maverick is delighting in all of the mud and puddles around. His usually white paws are splashed with brown. He was my good buddy on my walk around the park today.
Right now I am grateful that spring is around the corner. As I write this a song comes to mind…
“Lachen, lachen, lachen, lachen
Kommt die Sonne uber das Feld.
Uber das Feld, kommt die Sonne
Ha ha ha, ha ha ha
Uber das Feld.
Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing
Comes Aurora over the hill.
Over the hill, comes Aurora,
Ha ha ha, ha ha ha
Over the Hill.”
Whenever I hear this song it calls to mind the young goddess frolicking with her bunny companion. When she arrives I will be ready to share a giggle and hopefully, she will color the world something other than gray.