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The Temple Within

Musings of a polytheistic witch

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Samhain

Revisiting Restoration

Every Samhain I pick a word of the year. That word will guide my journey until the next Samhain. My word for this year is Restoration. I knew this word would be a tough one but it kept coming up over and over. If there is one thing I know, you should not ignore the Universe. Restoration has been hard to get a handle on. The first half of the year was not easy. That makes sense, in order to restore you have to remove dead wood and drive fresh nails. In order to restore you have to know what you are restoring to. During this process, I have spent time combing over the past and trying to recall the parts of myself that have been lost. I have examined relationships and projects I once cared about. I have been thinking about ambition, passion, and fear. Things really started to heat up around the last Mercury retrograde, then things became really hot at the last full moon in Scorpio. Since then I have been feeling really overwhelmed by the energy of this work. Do you ever feel like the gods are f*cking with you? That is how I have been feeling. I have been caught off guard in some pretty uncomfortable ways lately. These situations have been in my face and hard to run from or ignore. No kid gloves for me or subtlety. I have been asking for clarity and Morrigan has dished it up. Be careful what you ask for… Freedom has also been a theme this year, kind of running in the background. I have started asking myself, why do I feel like a caged bird, and when did I feel freedom. What was happening in my life during that time, why is that gone now, and how do I cultivate it again.

People hurt me. When they do I run from other things that I love. It isn’t the people from my past that I miss so much as the work, the projects, and the purpose. I am a sensitive soul and I have allowed aggressive people to take away my power and other things I once felt passionate about. I have to learn not to give them my power, I have to learn to tune out the haters. This might sound simple but trust me it is some of the hardest spiritual work I have ever done. An old friend described me the other day as fearless, courageous, brave, amazing, and tenacious. I was dumbfounded, I don’t know that version of myself anymore. I’m searching for her now. Morrigan says there is work to be done and I better get ready.

D

My Month With Anu

My month with Anu has come to a close and I am very grateful. It did not play out as I expected. I thought it would be a month full of ritual and meditation. What it became was a month of connection with my ancestors and a new appreciation for where I came from. Many puzzle pieces in my life came together quietly and simply. Working with Anu opened my eyes making it easier for me to see what needs to change. It wasn’t jarring or overwhelming, it was a gentle recognition of the places where I have lost myself. I don’t want to give too much away as much of this is deeply personal. What I can say is I feel stronger about trusting my intuition than I have ever felt. Ritual is wonderful, but it is not the end all be all of my connection with the divine.  Sometimes she whispers to me on the wind and no candles are required. That is what my Samhain experience was like this year.

D

Preparing For Samhain

Today I sat down with my journal and a very sharp pencil to try to make some sense of Samhain. Usually what happens is I have no idea what I want to do and then it all comes together in the moment. As I put a pencil to paper today everything just came pouring out of me. I have been spending a lot of time communing with the ancestors, thanks to Anu, and so I have been revisiting the past. As I have reached for the past I feel the past reaching forward towards me. As the veil is thinning and thinning I feel like I can almost reach out and touch them. Memories surface of napping with grandpa in an olive-green chair with a green leafy pattern on it. Every other piece of furniture had plastic on it, it was like grandpa and his chair were real and the rest was cold and fake. Great grandpa did not have a comfy chair. His chair was wooden and hard and his lap felt bony and breakable. I would sit with him and sing songs in exchange for candy. Both grandpa and great grandpa had deep pockets filled with candy. To this day when I taste a butterscotch candy my mind travels back to them. They were not in my life for a very long time. Great grandpa passed when I was 11 and he was 98. Soon after my grandpa moved to Florida. These two men were the only positive males in my childhood. It makes sense that as the veil thins I would sense them here. I’m sure they were complicated men but in my child’s memory of them, they are simple, good, and accepting.

My word for next year (Samhain is my new year) is restoration. I feel that I have much to restore within. This word was the first seed on my path to understanding what my Samhain work would be. I also intend to return to working with the Queen archetype. I worked with her a few years ago and kind of fell away from it, or so I thought. I realized today that I have read so many books about so many queens and even if I wasn’t understanding why I was still working with the queen. This morning I revisited that archetype and looked at her light and dark aspects.

Now I only have to decide what the formal working will be. I know I need to clean house and get rid of some things in order to make room for fresh things to come in. I know it will come to me when the time is right.

D

The Full Moon

I am thankful today that the full moon is on the way out. I feel like I got my butt handed to me by this moon. Right now I am trying to be grateful for fresh insight and clarity. I have a feeling this Samhain is going to be a doozy. Big changes are afoot and I can feel the energy shifting all around me. My month of devotion to Anu has been going well but not as I expected. She has inspired me to connect with my ancestors and figure out who I am. When you’re a wife and mother it can be so easy to lose yourself in your roles. This week my focus is on starting to identify what I want to let go and bring in for Samhain. My lesson from the full moon is being awake can be hard to take, but I’d rather be awake than asleep.

D

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