Whew! I have been going through it lately! I have experienced this before and I know that this is the tilling of my life that preceeds a huge season of growth. Whenever the soil of my inner life is worked, turned over, over and over again, it is a very painful process. Things are cut off and pulled out, displaced and disguarded. My nights are sleepless as my body vibrates with anxiety and vigilance. Typically I view this vigilance as a by product of my childhood trauma, now I’m trying to see it as the vigilance of my spirit awaiting the new growth about to arrive.
Beltane is coming soon and I can hear and feel its song in the distance. It will bring with it flowers and sunshine, dancing and a bursting forth of new possibilities. This soil that has been painfully turned over will create space for my new self to push through. So for now, I’m trying to embrace this season of pain and struggle. I trust the universe that the wheel is always turning and soon the rewards of hard work and endurance will come to me.
Spring is a messy season and I’m feeling kind of messy right now. It has been rainy this week but every so often the sun peeks out to remind me that it will not always be gray.
With Ostara arriving soon I have been thinking about my inner child. I celebrate the young maiden Goddess for this turn of the wheel. When I imagine myself at that age it often brings sadness because my childhood was very traumatic. Luckily I have fairly good memories of Easter and so I can use them to fuel my Ostara work. My mother would buy me an Easter basket every year and I was always so excited to dig through the fake grass hoping to find the perfect piece of candy. When I grew a little older my mother would buy me a lily to wear to church. I felt like a big girl and I would spend most of the service smelling my flower. Sometimes my basket would have bubbles or a jump rope, or maybe a new Barbie doll. No matter what was inside it was magical! Every Easter would bring a new dress no matter how little money we had. I don’t know how my mother did this, again like magic she made miracles happen.
During this week leading up to Ostara I intend to indulge my inner little girl. I’m going to try to capture her sparkle and way of looking at the world. I’m going to try to call some of her sweetness back to me. She is who I was before I became so guarded. She is wild and affectionate, she is the part of me who loves freely without worry. She is dandelion chains and frilly socks, she is about to bloom and unaware of what is coming.
How will you celebrate Ostara? I’m going to put up some of my decor today and this weekend I will cook some delicious food. I will probably play with my puppy outside just like I did when I was a girl. Some things never change and I can hear the echos of her, my child self calling me to come outside and play.
The Virgo new moon is finally here and she couldn’t arrive soon enough. I have been feeling stuck in stagnant energy and then yesterday, POW, even before the new moon hit I felt something break loose inside me. I’m sure that I do not need to tell you that this year is different than any other we have experienced. It has been a loaded year for me and I’m am seriously looking forward to going within during October. I have been working on healing all year and I’ve made some huge strides. As the new moon was approaching I became aware of it’s healing potential but I was feeling pretty ambivalent about it. Yesterday I was minding my own business questioning in my head what I was going to do for the new moon and then suddenly Innana and Lillith came to call. I have worked with both of these Goddesses in the past so it wasn’t a complete shocker. They made it pretty clear what they thought I should be working on and suddenly it all made sense. I love it when the gods speak so clearly to you and it all comes together. The healing work I need to focus on is deep childhood stuff. I have been doing this work already but Innnana and Lillith showed me a different angle that I had not considered. This work could have big ramifications in other parts of my life that I have been struggling with. Along with this I now have some clarity regarding some things I want to work on during the Samhain season.
I hope you all have a wonderful new moon and Mabon!
Well, another turn of the wheel is passing us and soon it will be Mabon. I hope that you had a lovely Lughnasadh weekend. Here in Wisconsin, we have been having cooler weather. The cooler weather is a nice reprieve from the super hot and muggy weather we saw for most of July. I spent much of my weekend out in the woods and at the parks with my dog and my husband. I took time to count my harvest and reflect on Lugh and Demeter as I usually do. I foraged some apples and gave them to Morrighan as an offering. My little deck garden is bountiful and I am so grateful for my little harvest of herbs. I am also grateful for the harvest of a booming business and progress towards healing. While I was walking in the woods I could feel Lugh in the gentle glow of the sun and Demeter in the embrace of the tall grasses. The wind kissed my neck and at that moment I realized I was truly relaxed for the first time in a long long time. I am grateful for the gentle reminder that in nature I find my healing and rest. Out in the woods, I can breathe deep and I even stopped to smell the flowers. Maverick always reminds me to do that.
Maverick took so much joy in swimming while we were at the park. He also stuck his whole face in the flowers. I think he needed some time in the woods too. I made some bread on Saturday to honor Demeter and we cooked up some good food in the kitchen to honor Dagda. I tried to push work away as much as I could so to prolong the rest I was experiencing. Lughnasadh has always been one of my favorite turns of the wheel but this year it seemed extra special. It has been a hard year for everyone and I really needed a good harvest. In my personal writing, I have been referring to this year as my happy harvest. May it continue….
It’s Summer Solstice and tomorrow is my 50th birthday so it is going to be a big weekend! I am feeling the fire of big sun energy! The new moon has refreshed my spirit and I’m ready to work some magick. This particular turn of the wheel has always found me surrounded by family and community. This year will most definitely be quieter but it will still be good. I view my 50th birthday as a gateway to a new phase of my life. I would like to say that I’m feeling the queen/creatrix archetype but I’m feeling pretty centered within warrior energy. I woke up this morning feeling a surge of power like someone had plugged me in and recharged me overnight. Wherever you are today I hope you have an opportunity to fill up on this warm fire energy. Here in Wisconsin, it is rainy but that won’t stop me from working with the sun and filling up on all of the goodness.
This year’s Beltane promises to be much different from any other I’ve ever had. There will be no group celebration or trips to my local state park. It will be more personal and close to home. All of this does not mean it will be less meaningful or powerful, it just means that I will need to be more creative. The gods continue to be loud and I continue to try to take it all in. I have been having some disturbing dreams about people from my past and I’m trying to figure out what it all means. I can already feel the Beltane energy rising and beckoning me to join in the dance of fertility and new life. That can be hard due to everything going on in the world. I am grateful for that feeling because it is a distraction from the stress of the virus and it reminds me that all of nature continues on despite the current issues.
Beltane in the past has been a time of celebration and high ritual. At times when I am on my own it can feel silly to do high ritual. I have to remind myself that I am worth that high ritual that feeds me so much even if it is only me. So this year I intend to really lean into things as an act of self-love and a recognition of my worthiness. You might remember that my focus for the year is self-love, respect, and trust, part of that is doing the ritual even if it is only me. Every time I think I have the lessons of the year down the universe shows me a new way to grow and continue to work on my goals.
How are you doing on your goals for the year? What will your Beltane look like?
I have been putting off writing this post because I just haven’t been feeling the energy. I think Ostara might be a struggle for many of us given what is going on in our world right now. Times like these make me glad to have spiritual traditions to help me get through. I have been finding myself struggling to remember what day it is, it feels like we are in a timeless state right now. Everything feels so heavy and not much like maiden energy. This just means I have to work a little harder to hear what Mother Earth is saying. All I know is that I intend to get outside to count all the signs of spring I can find. I also plan to make a yummy brunch and find some way to engage with my younger self. Healing work has been the norm around here and that will continue as well.
I am experiencing a season of release. When I was younger I would hold onto things until the universe would pry them away from me. It was painful and my life improved so much when I learned to let go. It feels like spring is right around the corner even though we were just blanketed with a fresh snowfall. As I dream of the fresh growth I know is coming soon I have to remove the deadwood of what has died to make room. Some of it is more than ready to go and other parts hold on and resist. I gently tug on those bits being careful to remove the roots as well.
Working on self-respect means that I have to let go of some toxic stuff and people. Just because something or someone is comfortable and easy doesn’t mean that they are good for us. I have been struggling with fibro lately. It has been really tough and I know that in order to get better I can’t have a lot of drama in my life. So I know that eventually letting all of this go will be better for my health as well. I keep reminding myself that Ostara is not that far off and soon my little plants will be poking their heads up searching for the sun. I have to make sure nothing is in their way!
How are you preparing for the next turn of the wheel?
Tuesdays are a devotional day for me. I will sometimes bring Morrighan a token or devote a work out to her. Other times I will talk with her about whatever things are going on in my life. I feel when you choose to walk with Morrighan you are not choosing an easy path. She seems to choose those who challenge themselves and she almost always has a challenge for me. Her challenges never feel like a burden and I know that I will be better for having taken her up on it.
Right now my main challenge has been dealing with my health issues. I felt like she was telling me way back at Samhain that this year was going to be very self-focused. I felt a little guilty choosing that path but I trust her and so that is the direction I started to walk. Soon I found out why that was needed and I’m so glad that she gave me the heads up about it. I’m starting to see that part of the challenge is living life to the fullest and not just moving from commitment to commitment. I have also been focusing on turning down all the negative noise in my life which means less time on social media. The world may need me but I need me more.
Over this waning moon period, I have been working on letting go of any lingering guilt or shame that I feel but that doesn’t really belong to me. Each time I work on this process it gets easier and there is less to let go of. For the new moon, I’m planning to set intentions around positivity and not letting my illness rule my life. I can’t believe that Imbolc is just a few weeks away! Before you know it we will be enjoying spring.:) The wheel keeps turning…
Do you have a primary deity? How do you honor that deity?
I hope that all of you had a lovely Samhain season. I had a restful week taking time away from social media and allowing myself to turn inward. My solitary time was nice as well as the time I spent with my coven. We had a surprise early snowfall this year here in Wisconsin which made things feel a little off. I think the Mercury retrograde just added to that sensation.
My word for the year is Self. I’m working on self-love, self-trust, and self-respect. My card for the year is the King of Wands! I have never pulled a king card for my yearly card so that will be cool to work with. Joey Morris was pulling Ogham cards on Facebook the other day and she pulled Hawthorn or Huathe for me. Lastly, at our coven ritual, I pulled Inguz as my token. So there is lots to chew on there over the coming dark season. I’d like to work on a vision board at some point.
Now that the dust has settled some I’m going to take a day off to rest and just breathe. How was your Samhain? Did you celebrate alone or with others? Did you have any big takeaways?