The Scorpio Full Moon

I have become a bird watcher. In truth this makes me feel kind of old but I’ve decided to embrace it. They are all so different and their little habits so interesting. Right now I am trying to charm my neighborhood crows. So far I’ve had more luck with the squirrels so the struggle continues. I am a Gemini so my affinity for birds should surprise no one. When I first became a witch I had a very vivid lucid dream about flying that took my breath away. I had never had a dream like that before and I’ve never had one since. It seemed to be a message from the universe to say that I was on the right spiritual track.

Yesterday started off weird. I’m not a Scorpio moon fan and a Scorpio full moon can really throw me for a loop. I felt like my emotions were all over the place. Something came to a head within my heart while I was finishing a full moon tarot reading. I have been struggling with this highly personal issue for about a month now. I kept going to the gods with it trying to figure out why it was coming up and exactly what I was supposed to do with it. You know how it is when the universe wants you to look at something, it can just keep putting it in your face in different ways. So this kept going on over April and into May and so yesterday I asked The Morrighan for some clarity and answers. I read my cards and tried to find the truth there and all that did for me was bring up more questions. Bleh…My full moon plan was to work on courage and so I did my work and stepped away from my altar. Suddenly everything became clear and I felt that steely courage that only The Morrighan can encourage. I discovered that my issue was all tied up with my need for courage. I was seeing all the pretty ways courage would help me and not seeing this painful thing that could benefit from courage. So I took action and it was easier than I expected it to be and just like that, I felt free from what had been dogging me for over a month. Sorry, I’m being so cryptic it is just that this issue is very personal and hard for me to talk about. I debated whether or not to blog about it and decided there was value in sharing even if I don’t give you all of the specifics. I confronted something hard and because of that, I have let go of yet another issue making my transformation easier.

It’s funny how the full moon can surprise you. I never expected yesterday to pan out like it did but I’m so happy. I have additional freedom that will make turning 50 so much easier. As I leave behind the thoughts, patterns, and habits that have held me back up until now I feel freer to fly like my bird friends into the second half of my life.



Birthday Season

June is my birthday month! I am barely a Gemini having made it just under the wire in 1970. Soon I will be entering the last year of my 40’s and I have some big changes I want to manifest before I turn 50. One theme that has appeared over and over the last few years is Freedom and Liberation. Just when I think I’m done with that lesson it comes back around and goes deeper and deeper. Now I have a feeling of being at a brass tacks place. I’m at the edge of the deepest point with the toughest lessons. I’m being called to stretch to some pretty scary places and also to act whether or not anyone is by my side when I do it. Being a Gemini I prefer a partner to work with but sometimes that just isn’t possible.


I feel like the gods have been pulling out all of the stops. I have my primary gods and then others that I’ve worked with regarding certain issues. Lately, they have all been making an appearance and their voices are getting louder and louder. I’m trying to take it all in and process it all. I’ve had some things thrown in my path this year that have made everything feel harder. That being said I am ready to fight for what I want and keep moving. The lesson happening right now is that liberation doesn’t always come so easy, sometimes it isn’t just about untying your own hands and undoing your own chains, sometimes it is about busting out, drugging the jailor and taking a saw to the bars. Sometimes you gotta She-Hulk that bullsh*it!

Soon it will be Summer Solstice and then the wheel will turn towards harvest. I’ve got some work to do just regarding the things I planted at Imbolc. I know there are no short cuts so I should probably say goodbye for now and light up my cauldron.

Have you ever worked on Freedom or Liberation? What gods/goddesses did you find most helpful?


Revisiting Restoration

Every Samhain I pick a word of the year. That word will guide my journey until the next Samhain. My word for this year is Restoration. I knew this word would be a tough one but it kept coming up over and over. If there is one thing I know, you should not ignore the Universe. Restoration has been hard to get a handle on. The first half of the year was not easy. That makes sense, in order to restore you have to remove dead wood and drive fresh nails. In order to restore you have to know what you are restoring to. During this process, I have spent time combing over the past and trying to recall the parts of myself that have been lost. I have examined relationships and projects I once cared about. I have been thinking about ambition, passion, and fear. Things really started to heat up around the last Mercury retrograde, then things became really hot at the last full moon in Scorpio. Since then I have been feeling really overwhelmed by the energy of this work. Do you ever feel like the gods are f*cking with you? That is how I have been feeling. I have been caught off guard in some pretty uncomfortable ways lately. These situations have been in my face and hard to run from or ignore. No kid gloves for me or subtlety. I have been asking for clarity and Morrigan has dished it up. Be careful what you ask for… Freedom has also been a theme this year, kind of running in the background. I have started asking myself, why do I feel like a caged bird, and when did I feel freedom. What was happening in my life during that time, why is that gone now, and how do I cultivate it again.

People hurt me. When they do I run from other things that I love. It isn’t the people from my past that I miss so much as the work, the projects, and the purpose. I am a sensitive soul and I have allowed aggressive people to take away my power and other things I once felt passionate about. I have to learn not to give them my power, I have to learn to tune out the haters. This might sound simple but trust me it is some of the hardest spiritual work I have ever done. An old friend described me the other day as fearless, courageous, brave, amazing, and tenacious. I was dumbfounded, I don’t know that version of myself anymore. I’m searching for her now. Morrigan says there is work to be done and I better get ready.


Magick Makeup

I like makeup. I don’t wear it all the time, but when I do I like the way it makes me feel. When I was a kid we belonged to a church that did not allow makeup. We were members of The United Pentecostal Church. We also could not cut our hair, wear jewelry or pants. Around the time I was 14 or so I started really being curious about makeup. I’m sure that my discovery of Madonna had something to do with this. We were not supposed to watch tv or listen to the radio but occasionally I snuck and did it. I thought I was so rebellious, now I have to kind of smile when I think about my minor sins.  I was almost kicked out of the UPC school I went to for trying to get by with clear nail polish. When I was feeling particularly rebellious I would sneak on some blush or lip gloss. They did not notice that too much, but we sure heard tons of sermons about the evils of being a Jezebel. I just could not understand how having shiny fingernails would cause a man to fall into sin. That made no more sense to me than how seeing my upper arm would cause a man to fall. The reality is none of the UPC holiness standards kept me safe from being molested by one of their ministers. The UPC church is riddled with sexual misconduct. All of the sermons about how evil everything is seems to only feed a hunger for it.

When I left the church one of the first things I did was start wearing makeup. It was a way to experiment with different personas. The church was all about making all of the women look the same. I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted freedom and I wanted to be able to express myself through my clothing and makeup. As I was putting on my makeup the other day I thought of how much the act of putting it on was a symbol. A symbol of freedom and individuality. I also thought about how much I use it as part of my magickal expression. My primary deity is Morrighan. When I am trying to embody her my makeup looks different than usual. I use makeup as armor. I wear my makeup in certain ways when I want to be left alone or when I feel I need extra shielding. I may add jewelry to enhance the effect. If I had to name the look I am going for when I want to carry Morrighan energy, I would call it Crow. Dark eyes, hair down, crow pendant and dark lipstick. You can also use makeup as ritual prep, to help you prepare to shift consciousness.

Isn’t funny how something that seems so ordinary to most people can take on a special meaning? Most people would not see the significance in applying makeup. For me, it symbolizes my freedom from an oppressive faith and god. It represents my ability to choose how I present myself and that is really meaningful.

As a side note, I have used makeup to invoke elemental characteristics as well. I’m happy to help if anyone has questions about this part of my practice.


In My Bones

Spirituality has always been in my bones. The idea of god has always been there, like the breath in my lungs. My child self-took all things concerning god very seriously. My parents and grandparents taught me that church and god were the most important things. I craved acceptance and approval. I feared hell and being separated from god and my family. What if they were all in heaven and I was alone in hell? The god of my child/young adulthood was an angry god, plus he kept score. Later I would come to understand that I was already separated from god. He was up there, and I was down here. He was perfect and I was hopelessly imperfect. He was bigger than life and I was nothing but a grain of sand, nothing really in the grand scheme of things.

I prayed often when I was a child. During my childhood, I worked hard for the church. I was the captain of the bible quiz team for many years. I could memorize the King-James like no other kid in my church. I showed up for nursing home ministry, Sunday school bus route, youth choir, and campus ministry. If there was a bible camp I went and I also attended a Christian school. Basically, if the lights in the church were on I was there. Did I mention how real hell was to me? I feared it, but what I feared the most was the rapture.

One of my earliest memories is about the rapture. Our church featured these horribly graphic films once a year. They were supposed to get people scared so they would join the church. I started watching them when I was three. So for about 25 years I was subjected to this over and over. By the time I was an adult there were 4 films in the series. These films showed people being beheaded by guillotine, not really sane for small children to be watching. In my day-to-day life, I feared what small transgression might keep me from making the rapture. It was mental and emotional child abuse. We were encouraged to ask god to forgive us for known and unknown sin. This idea kept me awake at night. I would sleep with my mother for weeks after watching these films.

I stayed a Christian until I was 28 years old. When I was a child I wanted to please god because of fear. As an adult, my drive was more towards approval and acceptance. In all of the years, I never felt accepted by god. We were a poor family. My parents were not really equipped to be parents. I was taught that if I had the faith of a mustard seed I could move mountains. So I would pray, pray for food, pray my mother could pay the light bill, pray my molester would go away, pray my parents would be sane and healthy, pray and pray and nothing ever changed. How could this be? I was trying hard to be sinless, and I had faith, or did I? Maybe I thought I did, maybe I was just fooling myself, maybe I did not really believe. Maybe my best attempts at belief were not enough, maybe I was beyond saving. Could it be that god had rejected me? Maybe I was unloveable, unsavable, and unable to have enough faith. He (god) was either ignoring me, or he was simply saying no to my requests.

God might say no, or at least they taught me that. Suffering made me more christ like, closer to god, suffering fostered strength. I was molested by a man in our church for two years. I was 11 when it all started. Even that was supposed to be a lesson. What had I (at 11 years old) done to cause him (a 31-year-old man) to “fall” into sin? God allowed it to happen, I had to believe it, it was the only thing that made sense. He has his eye on the sparrow and he knows the number of hairs on my head. Surely he saw it all and did nothing to stop it. My young adult self-blamed myself and figured it was somehow my fault, I was rejected.

Is it any wonder that I married an abusive man? I stayed in that relationship for 12 years. It was physical, mental, and emotional abuse. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I was told I could not break free. My deacon told me that the bible only gave me one out. If my husband committed adultery I could leave. Adultery was the only reason one could divorce in the church. He said he understood that my husband was a bully, but you cannot argue with god’s word. I could physically separate but I could not divorce. At this point, I had a restraining order against my husband. My deacon kept calling me and trying to talk me into going home.

Something in me shattered. I had no fucks left to give. I had prayed for 12 years that things would get better between him (my husband) and I. God was silent. I was broken and I told god exactly where he could go. I was done trying to be good enough. I was also done asking him for help, in my mind he was a sadist, watching but never acting. He would watch me twist in the wind and never offer so much as an ounce of help. Hell sounded better than serving him one more day. So just like that 28 years of striving to be accepted ended. I liberated myself. Later I would learn I was just at the beginning of my return of Saturn when all of this started. Within a couple of years, I got divorced and completely changed my cosmology. Finding Paganism changed my life for the better in so many ways.

This is how my feet were firmly planted on the road to becoming a witch…






Magick Manifest

Hello Witches! I hope this fine May evening finds you doing well. We finally saw some sun today! Here is a photo of some lovely flowers I found.


I had one goal for Beltane, I had to find a way to set myself free. I was feeling heavy, weighed down by sadness and pressure. I had shrunk myself and ceased to be authentic. I was acting from fear. Afraid of being hurt if I let my true self shine through.

I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose
Singin’, freedom
Where are you?
‘Cause I need freedom too” Beyonce

This world can be tough on those of us who don’t fit in. The magical ones, the sensitive ones, those who color outside the lines. The grind of trying to fit in when you don’t can really wear on a person. Ultimately I took some big action and quit my job. It was proving to be pretty toxic to me and I had been staying out of a false sense of duty. I knew I was going to have quit soon but I had not pulled the trigger on it yet. 

“I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
‘Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves” Beyonce

I think all of these retrogrades played a part in keeping me stuck. My mind has been muddy and I just couldn’t achieve any forward motion. Then yesterday something shifted. The energy felt different and so I struck while the iron was hot. Just that one action caused a big change. I feel like I can breathe again. I spent the day outside with my daughter soaking up the natural world, and best of all the sunshine. There is a lot of work left to do, but I feel like I have made a great start and I can already feel a huge energy shift.

Part of the magick has been meditation. Talking with Morrigan never hurts. The biggest thing I did was immerse myself in the energy of freedom. I have danced and listened to music about freedom. I have read poetry and historical quotes about freedom. I have bit my lip and acted from my heart. A dash of this and a dash of that plus some serious intent have made manifest my Beltane wish.

What was your Beltane wish? Have you worked any juicy magick lately?


Dancing For Freedom

Last night I went to Zumba and it was wonderful. Dancing always makes me feel free. For Beltane my focus was Freedom and so last night I hit the dance floor and welcomed Freedom in. It felt good to not only dance but to reconnect with the people in my class. I feel like I have not been “in my body” lately. I have not been feeling enough and so dancing was a good remedy. I also created a Freedom themed playlist to remind me each day of what my goals are. Music is magick to my soul and so I know how to use it to help me with my goals. Here is the first track on my Freedom playlist!


Happy Beltane!

I hope each one of you has a Blessed Beltane! Here in Wisconsin, it is gray and rainy. The sun is hiding and it is rather cold. We lit a fire in the fireplace last night so that was nice. Until yesterday I did not know what I wanted my Beltane focus to be, then all of a sudden it came together and it is perfect. Freedom. Freedom to be who I truly am. I have been feeling like I’m existing in a cage, behind tall walls. I have let those close to me silence me, I have grown smaller over the last year. Being afraid of being hurt has crippled me in so many ways.

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

So today I’m ending all that. Freedom is what I am seeking. Today I am hacking my way through the chains and stretching my arms. It feels good to breathe! No more being quiet because of fear and no more hiding from people who have hurt me.

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”
― Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons

I have been talking with Morrigan for the last few days. She sent me some pretty disturbing dreams last week, I know when that happens it means it is time to wake up! Her message was clear. When you are always crushing your own spirit it is not good for your wellbeing. It hurts both your physical and mental health. This winter has been long, it has been so gray lately and I have had SAD to contend with, these are all reasons for feeling the way I do. But the thing is there are other reasons, I silence myself, I isolate myself, and I make myself smaller. All of this is in response to pain. I’m trying to hide from people and situations that might hurt me.

“Happiness depends on being free, and freedom depends on being courageous.”
― Marie Rutkoski, The Winner’s Curse

Oh well, there is much work to be done here. I hope each of you has a lovely Beltane. Sorry if this post was a downer. I really am feeling very up and hopeful today!