Sometimes the goddess pushes me. Sometimes in general and sometimes The Morrigan in particular. A couple of years ago I felt her pushing me towards starting a coven and I did that. We are very small in number but I feel good about how things are unfolding right now. I’m feeling her push again and this time I am struggling to heed her call. She is asking for expansion. She is pulling my focus back to her and my work as her priestess. The idea of expansion makes my anxiety flare. My last experience within the Pagan community did not end well. It was a decade of many highs and lows and it left me beaten and bruised and in need of time away. I’m a very different person now. I suspect the Pagan community I left is very much the same. So I struggle with the question of expansion that is infused with intention and openness. I want to grow my spiritual circle with intention but I also want to be open to new people. In the past, I would have rushed out and started making plans. I would have gone from 0-100 in 60 seconds. Time has made me more cautious and deliberate. I think I need to meditate on this some more. Change is coming I can feel it, I just have to be ready.
My coven and I will be celebrating Mabon on Saturday. It has been a really tough week and so I have been looking forward to having a day with them to decompress and focus on the harvest and honoring the gods.
This morning I spent a lot of time with my journal thinking about what my Mabon harvest would be. The main thing that bubbled to the surface is a renewed love for my role as Priestess of my coven. This has been a summer of sifting and trying to figure out who I am now that all of my babies are out of the house. I’m harvesting clarity. I feel that Morrigan has reminded me why I chose this path and also how I cannot be separated from this part of myself. I’m not sure if that makes sense to any of you, but I feel like my devotion to her is a part of me at the deepest core of who I am, it is unchanging and has weathered all manner of storms and transformations. In a time when I have felt unsure about what kind of work I want to pursue and what my role should be with my adult children, my relationship with Morrigan has remained a constant. That is a great comfort.
It will not be long now and we will be thrust into my favorite month of the year. The forecast indicates that today may well be the last warm day of the season. I’m ok with that, I am ready to cool down and turn inwards. I have a feeling more little harvests will become apparent as we get closer to Mabon. If anything comes up I will share it with you.
I know I have not been posting much lately. I feel bad about that because this blog matters to me. I have been absent because I have been busy with the task of restoration. Morrigan has been my muse and Bridget has helped me strike my target over and over. I decided that since I’m moving a bit slower today, head cold, I would sit down and pound out an update.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned through this process is the more fully I become myself the more my strength is revealed. My current struggle is with my voice. I feel like I am acting from a place of power and I’m seeing some wonderful results. When I start to struggle is when I need to raise my voice to be heard or when I need to speak up in disagreement. I have been doing some pretty intense political organizing on the grassroots level and let me tell you it can be hard to be heard even when you are all on the same team. Add to that being a woman and being Mexican American, and you can start to see how it might be hard. The universe is putting me in situations where I have to fight to be heard and it has been pretty challenging.
On the up side, I have been enjoying life more and I feel like I’m well on my way to meeting my goals this year. The wheel keeps turning and soon it will turn towards harvest. I have a feeling my harvest will be bountiful and challenging. I just had my 47th birthday and I think this might be one of my best years yet.
Every Samhain I pick a word of the year. That word will guide my journey until the next Samhain. My word for this year is Restoration. I knew this word would be a tough one but it kept coming up over and over. If there is one thing I know, you should not ignore the Universe. Restoration has been hard to get a handle on. The first half of the year was not easy. That makes sense, in order to restore you have to remove dead wood and drive fresh nails. In order to restore you have to know what you are restoring to. During this process, I have spent time combing over the past and trying to recall the parts of myself that have been lost. I have examined relationships and projects I once cared about. I have been thinking about ambition, passion, and fear. Things really started to heat up around the last Mercury retrograde, then things became really hot at the last full moon in Scorpio. Since then I have been feeling really overwhelmed by the energy of this work. Do you ever feel like the gods are f*cking with you? That is how I have been feeling. I have been caught off guard in some pretty uncomfortable ways lately. These situations have been in my face and hard to run from or ignore. No kid gloves for me or subtlety. I have been asking for clarity and Morrigan has dished it up. Be careful what you ask for… Freedom has also been a theme this year, kind of running in the background. I have started asking myself, why do I feel like a caged bird, and when did I feel freedom. What was happening in my life during that time, why is that gone now, and how do I cultivate it again.
People hurt me. When they do I run from other things that I love. It isn’t the people from my past that I miss so much as the work, the projects, and the purpose. I am a sensitive soul and I have allowed aggressive people to take away my power and other things I once felt passionate about. I have to learn not to give them my power, I have to learn to tune out the haters. This might sound simple but trust me it is some of the hardest spiritual work I have ever done. An old friend described me the other day as fearless, courageous, brave, amazing, and tenacious. I was dumbfounded, I don’t know that version of myself anymore. I’m searching for her now. Morrigan says there is work to be done and I better get ready.
May is finally here and I am so happy to see this month. The skies are much less gray and gloomy. I have had the opportunity to be out in nature and that is always good for the soul. Beltane was a quiet one this year but I’m not complaining. I was able to rest and call in some good energy. My focus this month has been on calling in male energy. I have fallen out of the habit of working with male deities. I only realized this morning that the full moon will be upon us in a couple of days. It falls in Scorpio which is not the best placement for me. My head is buzzing with ideas for the full moon but I will need to proceed with caution.
My Morrigan tools are still a work in progress. The doll is finished and now I am working on a wand. I’m also about to start another piece that will act as a trivet for my altar. Lastly, I am focused on Morrigan’s shapeshifting aspect. I have been rereading and working through Stephanie Woodfield’s book “Celtic Lore and Spellcraft of the Dark Goddess, Invoking The Morrigan.” There is so much juicy stuff in there! All of this work with Morrigan has reminded me of the power I have and has encouraged me to work more magick.
I have nothing earth-shattering to report. The world has continued to turn and I continue to try to connect to Spirit. I will post some new photos soon!
I made a Morrigan doll per her request and I kind of love it! It was a process considering Mercury is retro and so I struggled mightily with the simple task of sewing. Now I plan to move onto the task of making a Morrigan wand. I found a lovely stick I want to use it for that purpose. I feel like I have been infused with energy and inspiration. Along with that, I feel like my connection to the divine is wide open. This often happens leading up to Beltane so I’m not super surprised, but I am delighted. I’m trying to take advantage of the energy boost while I have it. Breakthroughs are wonderful and I’m very grateful right now.
I’m feeling super energized! My practice has been infused with fresh inspiration. My matron deity has been knocking on my door, and that knocking has become louder and louder. She (Morrigan) knows how to get my attention and I know better than to ignore her. Because of the recent flurry of activity with her, I know there are things I need to do. I feel she has laid in my path a bunch of things to inspire me and maybe make the road a bit easier. I’m grateful.
I have been so stuck. I have not known how to move ahead, or even what I wanted to move ahead towards. I’m still not sure but at least I have some vision. I can see the ways this fresh vision ties into the old visions I once had. I feel like I can capture some of my old desires but with a fresh twist. There is much work to be done, but it feels good to have something new to sink my teeth into. I am aware of how vague this all sounds, as my vision becomes clearer I will share more.
What are your full moon plans? My wishes for you are full moon blessings and safe passage through this retrograde period.
I have been neglecting my spirituality. It isn’t that I haven’t been practicing, it is that I have not been engaging my heart. Recently I spent a lot of time working on my heart and I feel like this is the final phase. My practice has become very practical and results driven. That Capricorn moon of mine probably has something to do with this. Something has been missing and today it hit me like a ton of bricks. It is my devotion. I’m devoted to my craft but my devotion to my gods has been slipping. I think this is all a part of the heart issue I was having in other areas of my life. That chakra was so blocked and I had built up some pretty serious walls around my heart. It had become hard for me to receive love from others and my creativity was nowhere to be found.
I think this was the last hiding place for me because I have been so hurt by pagans. This healing process has been long and each time I think I have reached the end there is more there. I fear I have let the pain of stepping away from community drain my passion and devotion for my gods. I have to remind myself that community is indeed separate from my relationship with my deities. I am still a priestess of Morrigan. I may be working in other ways but that will never change. I was reminded today of when she chose me and how I once interacted with her.
Once this all hit me, I decided that today is the day. I think one of the reasons my devotion has slipped is because I simply do not make time for it. I do all the practical stuff, the stuff that meets needs and gives answers. What is left behind is time to just be with Morrigan. Time to meditate on her and tend to my altar. I have been telling myself that there isn’t time for all that, but it has really been about me not wanting to access my heart.
I did a lovely meditation today and I feel very renewed by it. I practiced having an open heart and I let myself breathe and accept what my guide had to give. No one ever said being a witch was easy! I am grateful for the struggle.
Hello Witches! I hope this fine May evening finds you doing well. We finally saw some sun today! Here is a photo of some lovely flowers I found.
I had one goal for Beltane, I had to find a way to set myself free. I was feeling heavy, weighed down by sadness and pressure. I had shrunk myself and ceased to be authentic. I was acting from fear. Afraid of being hurt if I let my true self shine through.
I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose
Where are you?
‘Cause I need freedom too” Beyonce
This world can be tough on those of us who don’t fit in. The magical ones, the sensitive ones, those who color outside the lines. The grind of trying to fit in when you don’t can really wear on a person. Ultimately I took some big action and quit my job. It was proving to be pretty toxic to me and I had been staying out of a false sense of duty. I knew I was going to have quit soon but I had not pulled the trigger on it yet.
“I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
‘Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves” Beyonce
I think all of these retrogrades played a part in keeping me stuck. My mind has been muddy and I just couldn’t achieve any forward motion. Then yesterday something shifted. The energy felt different and so I struck while the iron was hot. Just that one action caused a big change. I feel like I can breathe again. I spent the day outside with my daughter soaking up the natural world, and best of all the sunshine. There is a lot of work left to do, but I feel like I have made a great start and I can already feel a huge energy shift.
Part of the magick has been meditation. Talking with Morrigan never hurts. The biggest thing I did was immerse myself in the energy of freedom. I have danced and listened to music about freedom. I have read poetry and historical quotes about freedom. I have bit my lip and acted from my heart. A dash of this and a dash of that plus some serious intent have made manifest my Beltane wish.
What was your Beltane wish? Have you worked any juicy magick lately?
I hope each one of you has a Blessed Beltane! Here in Wisconsin, it is gray and rainy. The sun is hiding and it is rather cold. We lit a fire in the fireplace last night so that was nice. Until yesterday I did not know what I wanted my Beltane focus to be, then all of a sudden it came together and it is perfect. Freedom. Freedom to be who I truly am. I have been feeling like I’m existing in a cage, behind tall walls. I have let those close to me silence me, I have grown smaller over the last year. Being afraid of being hurt has crippled me in so many ways.
“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
So today I’m ending all that. Freedom is what I am seeking. Today I am hacking my way through the chains and stretching my arms. It feels good to breathe! No more being quiet because of fear and no more hiding from people who have hurt me.
“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”
― Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons
I have been talking with Morrigan for the last few days. She sent me some pretty disturbing dreams last week, I know when that happens it means it is time to wake up! Her message was clear. When you are always crushing your own spirit it is not good for your wellbeing. It hurts both your physical and mental health. This winter has been long, it has been so gray lately and I have had SAD to contend with, these are all reasons for feeling the way I do. But the thing is there are other reasons, I silence myself, I isolate myself, and I make myself smaller. All of this is in response to pain. I’m trying to hide from people and situations that might hurt me.
“Happiness depends on being free, and freedom depends on being courageous.”
― Marie Rutkoski, The Winner’s Curse
Oh well, there is much work to be done here. I hope each of you has a lovely Beltane. Sorry if this post was a downer. I really am feeling very up and hopeful today!