Whew! I have been going through it lately! I have experienced this before and I know that this is the tilling of my life that preceeds a huge season of growth. Whenever the soil of my inner life is worked, turned over, over and over again, it is a very painful process. Things are cut off and pulled out, displaced and disguarded. My nights are sleepless as my body vibrates with anxiety and vigilance. Typically I view this vigilance as a by product of my childhood trauma, now I’m trying to see it as the vigilance of my spirit awaiting the new growth about to arrive.
Beltane is coming soon and I can hear and feel its song in the distance. It will bring with it flowers and sunshine, dancing and a bursting forth of new possibilities. This soil that has been painfully turned over will create space for my new self to push through. So for now, I’m trying to embrace this season of pain and struggle. I trust the universe that the wheel is always turning and soon the rewards of hard work and endurance will come to me.
Spring is a messy season and I’m feeling kind of messy right now. It has been rainy this week but every so often the sun peeks out to remind me that it will not always be gray.
We moved last week. For the last few days I have been trying to get in touch with the earth on the property we moved to. We haven’t had much snow this year so I took advantage of it. I found a spot under a tree and I laid down on the ground. I ran my fingers over the grass and then pressed my palms into the soft earth. For the first time since we moved I was able to pour all of my anxiety into the earth
As I gazed up at the tree I whispered my secrets and asked the tree to share her secrets with me. She spoke to me and told me her name is the mother tree. She shared her calm life-giving energy with me. I felt like I could just fall asleep under her. My little puppy Sansa came and laid with me. Together we enjoyed the moment dozing in the peace of the warm earth. After a while, we went inside and took a long nap together. I have really bad insomnia so any time I can sleep deeply and well it is a good thing. I woke up feeling so rested and relaxed. I’m planning to take an offering out to her later on today. I’m so grateful for the calming energy. My new backyard already feels like a sanctuary and I already feel a part of the community. A couple of days ago my husband and I took out offerings of gratitude for our new property and I went around and introduced myself to the land. I can’t wait to spend more time out there working magick and communing with nature.
September is here and I am loving the energy already. Normally Pisces energy doesn’t really feel energizing to me but today I am full to overflowing. My altar is lit up and magick is brewing in my cauldron. My goals for this month are ambitious and exciting. I am more than willing to allow the summer to give way to autumn. This summer has had its blessings but it has also exhausted me. Healing has been the name of the game this summer and now I am more than ready to move onto something else. September is also the time of the year when I start to think about Samhain and ready myself for the work it brings. I can feel myself turning inward already. This full moon brings with it a desire for deeper everything. Deep conversations, deep friendship, and deep work. Shadow work has been going on all summer and I have to wonder where it will go during the turn towards the dark. I recognize it might seem like I’m jumping ahead and maybe I am, I always start to feel the dark creeping in during this season. I hope this full moon finds you blessed!
Well, another turn of the wheel is passing us and soon it will be Mabon. I hope that you had a lovely Lughnasadh weekend. Here in Wisconsin, we have been having cooler weather. The cooler weather is a nice reprieve from the super hot and muggy weather we saw for most of July. I spent much of my weekend out in the woods and at the parks with my dog and my husband. I took time to count my harvest and reflect on Lugh and Demeter as I usually do. I foraged some apples and gave them to Morrighan as an offering. My little deck garden is bountiful and I am so grateful for my little harvest of herbs. I am also grateful for the harvest of a booming business and progress towards healing. While I was walking in the woods I could feel Lugh in the gentle glow of the sun and Demeter in the embrace of the tall grasses. The wind kissed my neck and at that moment I realized I was truly relaxed for the first time in a long long time. I am grateful for the gentle reminder that in nature I find my healing and rest. Out in the woods, I can breathe deep and I even stopped to smell the flowers. Maverick always reminds me to do that.
Maverick took so much joy in swimming while we were at the park. He also stuck his whole face in the flowers. I think he needed some time in the woods too. I made some bread on Saturday to honor Demeter and we cooked up some good food in the kitchen to honor Dagda. I tried to push work away as much as I could so to prolong the rest I was experiencing. Lughnasadh has always been one of my favorite turns of the wheel but this year it seemed extra special. It has been a hard year for everyone and I really needed a good harvest. In my personal writing, I have been referring to this year as my happy harvest. May it continue….
The last few days have been hard. I am seeing how so many things are draining my energy. Some are people but some are activities and things like the news. During this waning moon period, I’d like to banish some of these energy vampires. There are times when we cannot totally remove something that drains us and then we have to think about how to shield ourselves and try to minimize the effects of whatever it is. We will soon be in Gemini season (3 days) and I want to be ready to hit the ground running and soak up all of that juicy Gemini energy! My magickal plan for the new moon is to indulge in the things that feed and nurture me. The above photo was taken at one of my favorite spots. I love the water and sitting on the shore listening to the waves lap the shore really feeds me. I intend to call in more time in nature, more time breathing deep and soaking up what the natural world has to offer. Along with that more smiling and more connecting with those who energize my spirit.
How are you using this waning moon time? What would you like to call in at the new moon?
I have become a bird watcher. In truth this makes me feel kind of old but I’ve decided to embrace it. They are all so different and their little habits so interesting. Right now I am trying to charm my neighborhood crows. So far I’ve had more luck with the squirrels so the struggle continues. I am a Gemini so my affinity for birds should surprise no one. When I first became a witch I had a very vivid lucid dream about flying that took my breath away. I had never had a dream like that before and I’ve never had one since. It seemed to be a message from the universe to say that I was on the right spiritual track.
Yesterday started off weird. I’m not a Scorpio moon fan and a Scorpio full moon can really throw me for a loop. I felt like my emotions were all over the place. Something came to a head within my heart while I was finishing a full moon tarot reading. I have been struggling with this highly personal issue for about a month now. I kept going to the gods with it trying to figure out why it was coming up and exactly what I was supposed to do with it. You know how it is when the universe wants you to look at something, it can just keep putting it in your face in different ways. So this kept going on over April and into May and so yesterday I asked The Morrighan for some clarity and answers. I read my cards and tried to find the truth there and all that did for me was bring up more questions. Bleh…My full moon plan was to work on courage and so I did my work and stepped away from my altar. Suddenly everything became clear and I felt that steely courage that only The Morrighan can encourage. I discovered that my issue was all tied up with my need for courage. I was seeing all the pretty ways courage would help me and not seeing this painful thing that could benefit from courage. So I took action and it was easier than I expected it to be and just like that, I felt free from what had been dogging me for over a month. Sorry, I’m being so cryptic it is just that this issue is very personal and hard for me to talk about. I debated whether or not to blog about it and decided there was value in sharing even if I don’t give you all of the specifics. I confronted something hard and because of that, I have let go of yet another issue making my transformation easier.
It’s funny how the full moon can surprise you. I never expected yesterday to pan out like it did but I’m so happy. I have additional freedom that will make turning 50 so much easier. As I leave behind the thoughts, patterns, and habits that have held me back up until now I feel freer to fly like my bird friends into the second half of my life.
Next month I’m turning 50! It seems unreal and impossible. I have been preparing for this big birthday for the last year. I have been casting off the things which I do not want to carry into the next half of my life and cultivating tools that will help me when the calendar turns. I feel the queen/mother energy flowing through me strongly and I can see the crone waiting in the wings. When I start my new solar year I want to hit the ground running! The biggest shift is moving from mothering into creating. Not creating new life but projects. I have always created groups and projects but I’ve always had to look after others while doing this instead of being able to throw myself into things with abandon and to some degree selfishness. I’ve had an empty nest for a couple of years now and I have been slowly shifting into this new phase of life. Since Samhain, I have been focusing on figuring out what I want the second half of my life to look like. That is the easy part, the harder part has been being willing to take time for indulging my dreams and wants versus always thinking about the family first. I had my first child at age 22 and I have to figure out who I am all over again!
On the upcoming full moon, my focus will be courage. When you have kids at home you can always have an excuse for not doing things. When those babies move on it removes so much from your life and opens up so much time. Now the only thing stopping me is often my lack of courage to step out of the shadows and like the Fool card step out into a new adventure.
Right now I am more excited than nervous. I feel supported by Morrighan, Dagda, and Brigid and maybe pushed a little bit, but it is a good push. What will you be working on for the full moon?
This year’s Beltane promises to be much different from any other I’ve ever had. There will be no group celebration or trips to my local state park. It will be more personal and close to home. All of this does not mean it will be less meaningful or powerful, it just means that I will need to be more creative. The gods continue to be loud and I continue to try to take it all in. I have been having some disturbing dreams about people from my past and I’m trying to figure out what it all means. I can already feel the Beltane energy rising and beckoning me to join in the dance of fertility and new life. That can be hard due to everything going on in the world. I am grateful for that feeling because it is a distraction from the stress of the virus and it reminds me that all of nature continues on despite the current issues.
Beltane in the past has been a time of celebration and high ritual. At times when I am on my own it can feel silly to do high ritual. I have to remind myself that I am worth that high ritual that feeds me so much even if it is only me. So this year I intend to really lean into things as an act of self-love and a recognition of my worthiness. You might remember that my focus for the year is self-love, respect, and trust, part of that is doing the ritual even if it is only me. Every time I think I have the lessons of the year down the universe shows me a new way to grow and continue to work on my goals.
How are you doing on your goals for the year? What will your Beltane look like?
Well, the world is a mess right now and I have been struggling to focus. On top of that, I have been feeling so much rage. I am currently trying to write a memoir about my childhood and that process is stirring all of the ghosts from the past. Part of my attempt to stay balanced in this time of uncertainty has been to take many many long walks with my dog. Maverick is a wonderful teacher with regards to staying present in the moment. He is the court jester reminding me to laugh and his joy when we are outdoors is infectious.
Yesterday while walking I took some time to really talk with Morrighan. I shared with her all of my rage and frustration. I didn’t hear much back probably because I wasn’t able to hear with all of my emotions pouring out. This morning I felt much calmer and I feel like I am hearing her speak to me.
It feels good to have this connection with my Matron deity. She is always responsive but right now things are so scary and hard. Today I plan to try to listen and plan for tomorrow’s full moon. I had no plans to work big magick tomorrow but that has all changed this morning. I’m hoping as the day unfolds I will have a clearer image of what needs to be done.
I hope all of you are doing well and staying healthy. What are your plans for the full moon? How are you keeping your balance during this hard time?
I have been putting off writing this post because I just haven’t been feeling the energy. I think Ostara might be a struggle for many of us given what is going on in our world right now. Times like these make me glad to have spiritual traditions to help me get through. I have been finding myself struggling to remember what day it is, it feels like we are in a timeless state right now. Everything feels so heavy and not much like maiden energy. This just means I have to work a little harder to hear what Mother Earth is saying. All I know is that I intend to get outside to count all the signs of spring I can find. I also plan to make a yummy brunch and find some way to engage with my younger self. Healing work has been the norm around here and that will continue as well.