I have been finding myself dreaming about Ostara. Along with that comes hope for more sunshine and spring weather. I often struggle to stay present in whatever moment I’m in. My mind and heart wander towards the past or into the future. This part of the year is always the hardest. The holidays are over and they leave in their wake a long stretch of gray that seems to be never-ending. Right now my home is lit up with pink and red lights leftover from Valentine’s Day. Anything to make my surroundings feel more festive and alive. I’m trying to cultivate fire to assist me in feeling less dull. Fire is something I can capture but it is hard for me to keep it burning. As I gaze out my window the snowflakes are falling and the view is both pretty and depressing. It’s easy to welcome the snow in December but much harder in mid-February. I remind myself that two months of snow isn’t that bad but that doesn’t do much to change my mood.
This week I intend to work on both cultivating fire and staying present in the moment. Of course, the Mercury retrograde isn’t going to make that second part easy. I feel like a 17-year-old who is one month away from their 18th birthday. I am so ready to burst forth into the future but I have to wait just a little bit longer.
How are you handling the winter season? What are you working on magickally?
I am experiencing a season of release. When I was younger I would hold onto things until the universe would pry them away from me. It was painful and my life improved so much when I learned to let go. It feels like spring is right around the corner even though we were just blanketed with a fresh snowfall. As I dream of the fresh growth I know is coming soon I have to remove the deadwood of what has died to make room. Some of it is more than ready to go and other parts hold on and resist. I gently tug on those bits being careful to remove the roots as well.
Working on self-respect means that I have to let go of some toxic stuff and people. Just because something or someone is comfortable and easy doesn’t mean that they are good for us. I have been struggling with fibro lately. It has been really tough and I know that in order to get better I can’t have a lot of drama in my life. So I know that eventually letting all of this go will be better for my health as well. I keep reminding myself that Ostara is not that far off and soon my little plants will be poking their heads up searching for the sun. I have to make sure nothing is in their way!
How are you preparing for the next turn of the wheel?
Well, the goddess is wasting no time in talking with me about my intentions for this year. One of the areas of focus is around respecting myself. I kinda always knew this was going to lead where it has begun to go but I have not been looking forward to it. Part of respecting myself is not letting others disrespect me. I have a habit of allowing people to behave in ways that are disrespectful because I don’t want the confrontation or because I don’t want them to dislike me. In the past when I have put my foot down it has cost me relationships and people started to see me as being too tough or that my expectations were too high. I have found that within Pagan circles excellence is often looked down upon. If you exude excellence you are seen to be intimidating and intense and those are seen as negative qualities. Maybe this is why I have traditionally struggled to fit into these circles. I take my spirituality very seriously and I tend to seek out relationships with others like myself. Sometimes this means I feel isolated and misunderstood. The problem comes in when I compromise my beliefs and standards in order to fit in or have friends. I cannot allow others to disrespect me and still respect myself. Oh well, I have my work cut out for me! I think this may be the theme of my full moon work this month.
I hope that all of you had a lovely Samhain season. I had a restful week taking time away from social media and allowing myself to turn inward. My solitary time was nice as well as the time I spent with my coven. We had a surprise early snowfall this year here in Wisconsin which made things feel a little off. I think the Mercury retrograde just added to that sensation.
My word for the year is Self. I’m working on self-love, self-trust, and self-respect. My card for the year is the King of Wands! I have never pulled a king card for my yearly card so that will be cool to work with. Joey Morris was pulling Ogham cards on Facebook the other day and she pulled Hawthorn or Huathe for me. Lastly, at our coven ritual, I pulled Inguz as my token. So there is lots to chew on there over the coming dark season. I’d like to work on a vision board at some point.
Now that the dust has settled some I’m going to take a day off to rest and just breathe. How was your Samhain? Did you celebrate alone or with others? Did you have any big takeaways?
I have been feeling weird. I love October and everything that comes with it but this year just feels off to me. I’m not digging this Mercury Retrograde shadow so I suspect that the actual thing is really going to piss me off. I have been moving between wanting to spend time with people and wanting to be left alone. Feeling love for humanity and wanting to punch something really hard. The ancestors are making their presence known this year but in a kind of in your face sort of way. I feel like my home is crowded even when I’m all alone. I’m trying to tone back some of my constant work on balance because I’m beginning to see that in a way it is not natural. There is a balance between the seasons but summer is never trying to be both summer and winter at the same time. But that is another post for another day. Right now I’m trying to allow myself to feel what I feel without judgment. I’m also being very mindful of my interactions with others because I have been feeling kind of punchy and it can come through in my communications with people I care about. My physical energy has been all over the place as well, at times I’m raring to go and feeling passionate and energized and at other times I’m wiped out and I just want to hide in my blankets. Boy when the tired hits it hits hard! To manage this weird energy I have been talking with Morrighan and Dagda more and seeking the help of my house full of ancestors.
How are you managing the energy floating out there right now?
I have been feeling a little off the last couple of weeks. It isn’t that I have been feeling bad it’s more that I have been feeling numb and stuck. Last night after doing my full moon work I started to feel a breakthrough coming. Spirit gave me a gentle reminder that when I tend to my spiritual practice I can make things happen and that I have more power to change my world than I sometimes believe I do. I tried my best to listen to my intuition and the messages coming from Morrighan and then suddenly it all bubbled up. For a long long time, I have been working to release scarcity and it feels like it is never totally gone. Facing another Samhain and contemplating what I want to let go of led me to think about scarcity again. Part of my process is to dig deeper and turn things over in my mind to see if I’m missing something. All this introspection led me to something that seems simple but also something I never considered. This thing bleeds over into so many parts of my life and in some pretty profound ways. I don’t trust myself. I’m worried about losing control. This all leads back to childhood as most roads do and I don’t intend to get into all of that today.
It isn’t scarcity that I fear, I fear that I might make stupid money choices leaving me without enough. This leads to hating money and never enjoying spending it. I’m always working to attract abundance and money but how can you attract something that you hate? This also impacts my body acceptance issues. I don’t trust myself to eat right or to know how often I should exercise. When my body tells me it needs rest in the afternoon my internal talk is always about how I shouldn’t need rest. All this needs to change. I’m going to work on letting go of the distrust I have concerning listening to my inner voice. I already know that deep self-love needs to happen next year so I’m going to let go of the voices that tell me that I do not deserve love. Lastly, I need to work on self-respect. I need to listen to and respect the needs that I often ignore. That is a lot but it is all-important work and it is all connected.
This bleeds over into the community work I want to do next year. I have to trust my inner wisdom and know that I will make good choices when it comes to connections. It is the people part of the Pagan community that I fear. That fear is a big hump to get over but I know I can do it with the help of Spirit.
What messages did the universe send your way for the full moon? Do you plan to let go of things for Samhain?
Last week my mind was brimming with ideas but I didn’t want to put them into action until the new moon. Now that we are past that everything is starting to move forward and take off! I have added all my social media info into the about page so please connect with me on Instagram and Twitter. I’m excited to announce I have also started a closed FB group with the same name as this blog. Please feel free to ask to be a member over there. I’m also taking the leap into tarot readings and online coaching. If you are interested in any of that you can find info on the services page. Whew!
Have I mentioned it is the first day of October?! Or as I like to call it the first day of Halloween! It’s my favorite month of the year and so I’m planning to celebrate a little today. I intend to put up my Day of the Dead/ancestor altar today and will leave it up through the first week of November. I will also spruce up my main working altar space in honor of the Crone. Something about this time of year really gets my blood pumping. Here in Wisconsin, it is gloomy and raining. I think we are supposed to get some thunderstorms which only adds to the mood.
I take Samhain and The Day of the Dead very seriously. My practice is pretty Celtic in nature and that fits well with my ancestry on my mother’s side. On my father’s side my ancestors are from Mexico, so celebrating The Day of the Dead helps me to connect with them. Halloween is something that brings me joy and I feel that in and of itself is sacred. Each of these things is a part of what I consider to be the most sacred month of my year. Each has its own meaning and each adds something different to my practice. Yes, I consider Halloween part of my practice! Winter is hard for me due to Seasonal Affective Disorder and so I try to store up as much joy as I can before that hits hard. Halloween makes me so happy.
I have been feeling the wheel turning me inward and I have already started to prepare myself for Samhain. Have you been feeling the pull to turn inward?